Thursday, May 18, 2017

Writing Prompt: White House DnD

Prompted here

Sessionmaster: "So we open in the tavern…"

Pence: "Can we not open in a tavern? I can't be around alcohol without my wife present."

Sessionmaster: "It's just imaginary alcohol, Mike, and your wife isn't a player character in this world."

Pence: "My Paladin archetype replaces the Divine Bond class feature with an Angelic Companion, whom my character has bonded to in holy matrimony. She does not approve of alcohol."

Sessionmaster: "...fine. We begin in a… coffee shop? Is that okay?"

Pence: "It's fine."

Sessionmaster: "Okay, good. Because I DMed for Romney at the 2012 Republican National Convention, and boy those Mormons are weird with not liking caffeine.."

Trump: "Haha. Mormons. That's one letter away from being Morons. Great people, I'm sure. But weird. Unfortunate name. Sad. But funny."

*Trump holds up a hand for a high five and a giggling Steve Bannon high fives him.*

Bannon: "Good one, sir."

Sessionmaster: "Anyway, we open in the coffee shop, introduce your characters."

Pence: "I'm Michael, Human Holy Paladin of the One God…"

Trump: "You always play yourself as a human paladin. It's boring. Not interesting at all, Mike. You even do it all day with that LARPing thing…"

Pence: "What LARPing thing?"

Trump: "You know, that whole going around "God is with me, must do the will of god" thing. I mean you're probably having fun. But it's just weird for all of us. Very weird."

Pence: "I'm not LARPing. This is who I am."

Trump: "Oh."

*Bannon wrinkles his nose and leans over to Trump, whispering in his ear.*

Bannon: "Well, at least he's not wearing elf ears or orc tusks."

Trump: "Ugh. Yes. It's an improvement over Chris Christie. Showed up to every session painted green in a loincloth with a battleaxe. No way I was going to spend my presidency having to deal with that every week. Not fun to look at. Very bad."

Kushner: "I'm playing a Dwarven Rogue and…"

Bannon: "Man, everybody is playing what they know. I'm not surprised you're playing the precious-metal hungry, big-nosed, short…"

Kushner: "And what are you playing? I bet you've got six skill points per level, a d10 hit die, and an animal companion."

Bannon: "I uh… I totally don't.

*Kushner reaches across the table and grabs Bannon's sheet.*

Kushner: "Yup. To the surprise of no one Steve's playing a White Power Ranger."

Sessionmaster: "Guys, if you're going to be disruptive to the game I'll…"

*Everyone is quiet as Vladimir Putin walks in, takes the bowl of cheetos from the middle of the table, and then walks out again.*

Trump: "It's okay. He does that. Totally fine. Everything is good. Very good. Perfectly normal."

Sessionmaster: "So you're all sitting in the coffee shop, when there's a disturbance outside. Roll perception."

*Everybody rolls their dice.*

Kushner: "17."

Bannon: "13."

Pence: "Gosh darnit, 4."

Trump: "49. I have the highest Perception score. Just the best, really. My doctor said that I have the highest Perception score of any US President's character ever."

Sessionmaster: "I… um… can I see your sheet, please? I'm not sure how you managed that at level 7."

*Jeff Sessions reaches over the table to grab Trump's sheet, but Trump pulls it away.*

Trump: "No. No. You can't see my character sheet. The IRS is auditing my character wealth by level. So I can't show it to you. Very personal. Very private. Very hush hush."

Sessionmaster: "Okay, then run down your bonuses for me."

Trump: "I rolled a natural 20 because I have the greatest dice. The best dice, really. They're these gorgeous, expensive solid gold dice. I just saw them in the gaming store one day and I couldn't help but grab them."

Sessionmaster: "So that's 20…"

*Sessions waits for Trump to continue, but Trump has his phone out and appears to be browsing Twitter.*

Sessionmaster: "And the rest of it?"

Trump: "Huh? Are we still talking about that? Fake news. Totally fake."

Sessionmaster: "As the Dungeonmaster General, Donald, I can get you banned from organized play, you realize."

Trump: "Okay, fine. Plus five from Wisdom, because I am obviously the wisest. Plus four from my racial bonuses, plus four from my super awesome ultra masterwork item, and the rest I'm adding in because I need to compensate for all the stat rolls and skill points and items that Crooked Hillary illegally stole and gave to illegal immigrants during those presidential election games."

*Sessions sighs and pinches his nose, this is going to be a long night.*