Tuesday, November 7, 2017

DTW Tokyo Gore Noir #2,Kalinda RP 1/1: Of Maleficent and Mountains


Y'all are a bunch of uncultured fuckwombles, seriously.

I mean just look at what little miss "I only wrestle on rare occasions, but can interfere in my fuckpets' matches all I want and can run my filthy whore mouth about them and can cry foul when a professional wrestler actually lays their hands on me" said not too long ago.

It's like you people are incapable of forming your own ideas, of having your own hobbies, of going out to see a movie that isn't a bajillion dollar blockbuster, of watching anything but the most recent popular television show.

Because fuck me in my blue, scaly cloaca, do you people do precisely fuck-all creatively when it comes time to insult somebody with draconic heritage.

Of course out come the reptilian slurs, which are stupid. Because I'm neither splay-legged nor cold-blooded.

Then come pretty much the only three works involving dragons that you guys managed to have hammered into your skulls in between sessions of drinking french fry grease and inbreeding.

DTW Tokyo Gore Noir #2,Claudia RP 1/1: THE MOTHERFUCKING GRIMACE

"Oh, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny," I say with a grin (#774 Pissy Shark Contemplating Her Prey), "You've gone and fuzzed up now."

I clap my hands and accidentally let a bit of a sadistic giggle slip out.

"You think that just because things have always been the way they were that that means that things are always going to continue to be the way they used to be."

I pause for a moment mouthing words to myself and making motions with a finger to make sure that what I said was something close to correct and then nod in satisfaction that it was either perfectly accurate or just so outright nonsense that poor Punky Drunkerton's head will explode from hearing it.

Monday, October 2, 2017

DTW Tokyo Gore Noir #1,Kalinda RP 1/1: Of Bitchfights and Babies


There's always a bigger fish, no matter how big you are.

No matter how powerful you are there's always something more powerful.

Something that makes you feel weak, that makes you feel helpless.

Even when you're a mage.

Even when you're a dragon.

Even when you're probably in the top ten most powerful supernatural forces on the gods-damned planet.

Because there are natural forces compared to which you're little more than an oversized, bright blue bug.

Like the bullshit in the Caribbean, where it's basically The Neverending Story: Tropicane Hurristorm Edition.

DTW Tokyo Gore Noir #1, Claudia Kajara RP 1/1: Of Inflammable Items and Infomercials

A drumroll, please!

Err… no. That's cute, a sweet roll-shaped to look like a tiny drum with little icing drumsticks on the top. But that's not what I was looking for. Try again, minions!

And there we go! We have a proper rolling of the drums as little spotlights move over a red velvet curtain.

And behind that curtains?

IT'S DOCTOR BEES!

No. No, it's not, it's none other than me! Claudia Kajara, star of stage, song, screen, and some other S word that involves the internet. Stream? Does stream work?

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Writing Prompt: The US Constitution and the Fisher King Clause

From here

-o-

"Umm... Mr. President?"

"Busy right now. Tweeting. Saying things that need to be said about football players."

"That's nice, sir. But while the US Constitution's display case was due for its annual vacuuming, the janitor's blue light on his MP3 player showed something hidden."

"Was it an apple? They're always hiding those. They're all over the magazines I read at my doctor's office. He's the best doctor. Says all my tests are the most positive, that I'm the healthiest human being that has ever been president."

"Not an apple sir. But you know how some of the founding fathers were into weird secret societies and the occult?"

"Is the occult anything like an Applebee's?"

"No sir, it's like eldritch sorcery and men in hooded robes doing sinister things."

"Very American thing to do. Love me some men in hooded robes doing sinister things."

"Anyway, we appear to have a Fisher King clause hidden in invisible ink in the US Constitution tied to the current president."

"Never really was one for fishing, but the king part I like. This means I get to have a crown, right? A big gold crown. The best crown, really."

"No crown, sir. The Fisher King is a historical literary device, or trope, that states that the state of the land is irrevocably tied to the one who rules it."

"Soooooo... what you're telling me is that the United States is totally awesome, and is only going to get awesomer in the future?"

"Uhh... not exactly sir. Half the country is drowning and the other half is on fire."

"This is totally fake news. Those founding fathers were totally not cool dudes in robes and hoods doing sinister things. There were totally uncool cats in dresses that were probably like... doing whatever lame and bad things that uncool cats do. Which I don't know, because I'm not an uncool cat."

"As you say, sir."

"So now I'm having some thoughts about men in dresses. Get the guy with the medals to tell me about how the thing I just randomly said on Twitter with no input from my cabinet a few weeks ago is going."

"You mean General Mattis, sir?"

"General Mattis, Colonel Sanders, Captain Crunch, whoever he is."

"Very well, sir."

"Oh. And now I'm hungry. Can you go send Jared to KFC to get me a bucket of extra-tasty crispy? Or maybe Ivanka. Say, do you..."

"I'm just going to leave now, sir, before I am hideously creeped out before you mention something about your daughter and succulent, juicy breasts and I lose my appetite."

Monday, July 3, 2017

Thoughtlets: Seven Heavenly Virtues as Foes

From here

Make it so that these aren't exemplars but enforcers; they don't just embrace the virtue but demand that others do so as well.
Charity goes after equipment, stealing, sundering, and disarming. 
Diligence can specialize in conditions, using things like stunning and daze to keep people from "showing off."
Humility can be a master of fear, to keep his foes in their place. 
Kindness might trot out emotion-manipulation magic to ensure an appropriate amount of opprobrium on the part of sinners. 
Patience has weaponized slow as well as spells/techniques that can entangle targets. 
Temperance is an expert with dispel magic and no one gets to benefit from "doping" in her presence.
As for Chastity? They are an expert at Grappling. They can wrap around you like a snake, twist you into a pretzel, and hog-tie you in the course of two rounds. Lead in with a Stag Horns charge or a Snapping Turtle Clutch reaction to a missed attack to grapple, then follow it up the next round with a Rapid Grapple to maintain as a move action, pin a swift action (or just invest in a lot of Stealth and Bushwack them), and then tie them up with your standard action. Or be really weird and stack the Grabbing Style and Tatzlwyrm Claw Style's Rake to grapple three people at a time: one in either hand and a third with your legs.