Saturday, May 19, 2018

(An Android Weeps for the Future)

(Opening narration) And once again we are aboard the fiendish laboratory aboard A Zeppelin Called Trouble, which is actually looking a bit more sinister than usual, as there are a few blood splatters here and there, as well as bit of tissue and a few eyeballs pinned to a board, as well as several more dissected ones strewn about.

"(Annoyance) Yes, the retrieval of the samples required a great deal more were more effort than was necessary, thanks to you."

(Protesting narration) But you can't just vivisect a gal without the proper mood and music!

"(Scoffing) Marvin Gaye, rose petals, and candles are not required for a scientific vivisection!"

(Masochistic narration) Sure they are! You strap a gal down to a table, whisper sweet nothings about carving up her eye sockets for scientific study, and didn't even bother taking me out for dinner and drinks first!

"(Disgust) This was not a romantic liaison."

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

DTW Tokyo Gore Noir #8, Of Sad Clowns and Shitgibbons

Where the fuck do I even begin with this set of dried, out, cracked, bleeding, infected, festering assholes?

This is basically every single fuckwit in DTW that thinks "Okay, no rules. So I'm going to get my asshole friends to but in and win the match for me. Because I'm a sad waste of human ejaculate that thinks all that matters is winning matches."

All my inbred, panty-sniffing, "staring at the orange juice on the counter because it says concentrate" rivals are here!

Rapey Dwarf Riddick, good ol Stone Cold Steve Autism who managed to make himself so goddamned vile that Twitter perma-banned his account. Congrats, you disgusting incel tendie-chomping edgelord. The Cheetoh-in-Chief still has his goddamned Twitter account even after he used it to basically threaten wiping out a whole fucking nation, and yet you managed to out-dump the Trump.

Teiji Shintaro, our resident Tyler Durden obsessed nihilistic shitgibbon. Who decided that instead of standing out by being Awesome McCooldude, Flippyshit Highspotsinov, or Strongstyle O'FightingSpirit, he's going to get attention by being the grossest human being possible and share all his bodily excretions with his co-workers and everyone within a 30-yard radius of the ring.

And Shouty Dwarf Dick Devereaux, who during the legal trouble induced offseason decided to take a belt sander to the bit of himself that actually made him interesting. Instead decided to be yet another angry, bald shouty guy.

Saturday, May 12, 2018

(Ignorant Reeking Foe Part II: Meatbag Boogaloo)

(Introductory narration) Yes! That's right ladies and gentlemen, boiling ghouls, inbreds of all stages! MECHA-Kalinda is freshly victorious over hacker and astrologer Kara Star, a pathetic creature of meat and bone, running through corridors, blah blah blah.

Anyway, with all her stargazing and attempts at divination, she somehow managed to avoid seeing herself totally getting her ridiculously pale butt kicked from pillar to post.

And look, I'm one to talk head considering I'm the color of newly fallen snow. But I've got a bit of undead and faerie in me. I'm supposed to be pale, deathly, and otherworldly. Kara, though, is like mayonnaise. Eggy, glistening, full of sulfur, and prone to becoming gross and unpleasant if you leave her out in the sun for more than like fifteen minutes.

But this week! This week we...


(Continued narration) This week we...

"(Further grumping)"

(Narration following a particularly loud raspberry) Pbbbbt. Fine. Okay, sourpuss, what's up?

Friday, May 4, 2018

(Mathematical Proof: Stars = Stench)

(Introductory narration with Auntie Claudia, the dragon-demon-faerie-undead-clown-thing. That is her scientific classification) It is! It is totally my scientific classification! Or at least it will be once there are enough weird beasties that have shown up in Kaiju Family Values show to warrant Stanton Enterprises putting out an official guide to Kaiju.

ANYWAY! I am indeed you cutie clown narrator, and we open aboard A Zeppelin Named Trouble, the floating, bulbous, villainous lair of the dread Menagerie!

"(Ominous crackle of thunder)"

(Amused narration) Thank you, MECHA-Kalinda! Thunder cracks in a most sinister fashion outside the windows of the bloated gas bag. The zeppelin, you goofs! Don't disparage Lumber Jackson like that! His mother says he's a husky boy!

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

Of Cowboys and Crushed Testes

Twenty four men and women, two dozen souls all coming together for one purpose: to show their skill, to show their strength, to show their determination, their will. Their capacity to soak up absolutely hellacious amounts of damage that would make lesser men and women simultaneously puke, piss, and shit themselves and shortly thereafter passing out.

Three points for a win, one point for a draw, no points for a loss. Whichever of the dozen individuals in each of the two groups scores the highest will face each other in May. The winner of that bout, having proved their mettle, will face me one on one for my DTW World Championship.

But you see, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and human cancers of all stages, I'm also here too. A wolf amongst the sheep. I'm fighting my own future competition for my champion, my title, my belt. I am the first, the ONLY DTW World Champion and in the living hell I call a career, not a single one of you has managed to defeat me cleanly in one on one combat.

I get absolutely nothing out of this tournament if I win. A pretty, shiny trophy to adorn my mantle? I don't want them. I don't need them. Years ago I might have been filled with the desire to give it all, to do my best, to win at all costs and earn myself the prestige and glory that comes with victory.

Friday, March 16, 2018

Delilah na Kinai Biography


Character Details
Name: Delilah na Kinai
Alias: Boltfire, Enchantress, Evil Disney Princess, Snowmew, Fluffbutt, Black Angel, Elfy
Height: 6'6" (would be 6' without digitigrade legs)
Weight: 212 pounds
Age: ?
Hometown: New Avalon
Picture Base: Custom drawings
Body Type: Tall, Curvaceous Blacksmith
Alignment (Face/Heel/Neutral): Face
Entrance Music: "A Demon's Fate" by Dragon Menagerie

Monday, February 12, 2018

VK's Pizza Adventures 4

Tombstone Garlic Bread Crust
Pizza Corner
Member's Mark

The tombstone is bland but has a very nice crust texture that I rather like.

The garlic bread crust involves only the tiniest smattering of garlic flavor. I could barely tell it was there.

The Pizza Corner pizza was actually pretty good, but not really enough to warrant the higher price.

The Member's Mark was actually pretty flavorful, unfortunately, it was not a flavor I particularly liked and after refrigeration, it was basically inedible.

Of the lot, I may on occasion pick up a Pizza Corner pizza.