Tuesday, April 3, 2018

Of Cowboys and Crushed Testes

Twenty four men and women, two dozen souls all coming together for one purpose: to show their skill, to show their strength, to show their determination, their will. Their capacity to soak up absolutely hellacious amounts of damage that would make lesser men and women simultaneously puke, piss, and shit themselves and shortly thereafter passing out.

Three points for a win, one point for a draw, no points for a loss. Whichever of the dozen individuals in each of the two groups scores the highest will face each other in May. The winner of that bout, having proved their mettle, will face me one on one for my DTW World Championship.

But you see, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and human cancers of all stages, I'm also here too. A wolf amongst the sheep. I'm fighting my own future competition for my champion, my title, my belt. I am the first, the ONLY DTW World Champion and in the living hell I call a career, not a single one of you has managed to defeat me cleanly in one on one combat.

I get absolutely nothing out of this tournament if I win. A pretty, shiny trophy to adorn my mantle? I don't want them. I don't need them. Years ago I might have been filled with the desire to give it all, to do my best, to win at all costs and earn myself the prestige and glory that comes with victory.

Friday, March 16, 2018

Delilah na Kinai Biography


Character Details
Name: Delilah na Kinai
Alias: Boltfire, Enchantress, Evil Disney Princess, Snowmew, Fluffbutt, Black Angel, Elfy
Height: 6'6" (would be 6' without digitigrade legs)
Weight: 212 pounds
Age: ?
Hometown: New Avalon
Picture Base: Custom drawings
Body Type: Tall, Curvaceous Blacksmith
Alignment (Face/Heel/Neutral): Face
Entrance Music: "A Demon's Fate" by Dragon Menagerie

Monday, February 12, 2018

VK's Pizza Adventures 4

Tombstone Garlic Bread Crust
Pizza Corner
Member's Mark

The tombstone is bland but has a very nice crust texture that I rather like.

The garlic bread crust involves only the tiniest smattering of garlic flavor. I could barely tell it was there.

The Pizza Corner pizza was actually pretty good, but not really enough to warrant the higher price.

The Member's Mark was actually pretty flavorful, unfortunately, it was not a flavor I particularly liked and after refrigeration, it was basically inedible.

Of the lot, I may on occasion pick up a Pizza Corner pizza.

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

DTW Tokyo Gore Noir #5, The Menagerie RP 1/1: Of Misandry and Matriarchy

Lightning flashes ominously through the windows of the ruined chapel, thunder rattling the remaining shards of stained glass in their frames. Dozens of large, dribbly candles illuminate the scene of three hooded and cloaked figures standing around the desecrated altar.

The former holiest of holies in the chapel has been adorned with a blue velvet cloth, adorned with gold fringe (making it an admiralty chapel according to the Sovereign Citizen movement), upon which sits a wooden box with wood so dark it's nearly black.

"Sisters of the Darkness," states the tall one. That being me, Kalinda Kriegsdottir. DTW World Champion, Dragoness, and Seducer of the Innocent. "Upon this unholy eve I call upon each of you to report on how you've sought to bring down the cisgender heteronormative patriarchy."

The camera zooms in as I pull back my hood, showing off my true demonic features, gaunt, pale, demonic, and in tribute to a certain horror movie icon wearing a bald cap and adorned with shiny silver thumbtacks.

Okay, it's not my true form, it's special effects makeup. You're ruining the ambiance. Shut the fuck up and let me get back to the scene.

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

DTW Tokyo Gore Noir #4,Double Dragon RP 1/1: Of PETA and Playground Bullies

Twas the night before Blood Bowl, and all through the arena, not a creature was stirring, not even Antonio Pena (who was probably looking for masked wrestlers to haunt, steal their clothes, and hand them off to somebody else). Well, okay, actually there were at least two creatures stirring.

My minion had snuck out of the hotel and had wandered off in search of mischief, and I was pretty sure I knew what kind.

Which was why I was headed towards some other, smaller creatures that were potentially stirring in the arena, though I wasn't sure.

I hadn't looked to see if the spiders, snakes, and scorpions that had been secured for one of the team tournament match semi-finals were nocturnal or not.

But I was probably going to find out as a side effect, because that was precisely where I was headed, along with my trusty cameraman.

Because as long as Claudia's on camera she can't do her horror movie monster teleport thing when I blink.

I manage to arrive just in time, or more likely Claudia has stalled for the purposes of drama and narrative convenience. I reach out and grab the haft of her mallet before she can smash open a terrarium that houses a few tarantulas.

"Can't let you do that, Star Fox." I intone.

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

DTW Tokyo Gore Noir #3,Kalinda RP 1/1: Of Grims and Games

So there I was; seated at the kiddie table in the middle of Castle Exterra, resplendent in my full on bone armor and having temporarily cursed myself with with what was probably a good four decades or so of extra age so that I had my full-on dragon thing going.

Because to be perfectly honest people don't take you seriously as a dragon until you've got proper horns and wings, and they will persist with this delusion until you use your magic fire breath and set their gonads ablaze.

But after having Maleficent duty pinned on me by bitch queen faerie numero uno Rosie the Rapist I had to do my best to look the part. If I was going to have to suffer through this, so was everybody else.

Well, everybody above the age of majority. I may be a trolling asshole that just so happens to be an unwilling agent of the God of Evil Overlords, but I'm not going to cement myself as the sort of mustache-twirling, puppy-kicking Saturday morning cartoon villain that get their jollies by being a dick to children.

So after earning the scorn of the King with a very farty ketchup bottle I had managed to win a small battle in the war of hearts and minds by animating the roast pigeons, having them take up forks and knives as weapons, and work together to bring down the titanic spit-roasted boar.

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

DTW Tokyo Gore Noir #2,Kalinda RP 1/1: Of Maleficent and Mountains

Y'all are a bunch of uncultured fuckwombles, seriously.

I mean just look at what little miss "I only wrestle on rare occasions, but can interfere in my fuckpets' matches all I want and can run my filthy whore mouth about them and can cry foul when a professional wrestler actually lays their hands on me" said not too long ago.

It's like you people are incapable of forming your own ideas, of having your own hobbies, of going out to see a movie that isn't a bajillion dollar blockbuster, of watching anything but the most recent popular television show.

Because fuck me in my blue, scaly cloaca, do you people do precisely fuck-all creatively when it comes time to insult somebody with draconic heritage.

Of course out come the reptilian slurs, which are stupid. Because I'm neither splay-legged nor cold-blooded.

Then come pretty much the only three works involving dragons that you guys managed to have hammered into your skulls in between sessions of drinking french fry grease and inbreeding.