Thursday, May 25, 2017

Shapeways Dice Link

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Writing Prompt: White House DnD

Prompted here

Sessionmaster: "So we open in the tavern…"

Pence: "Can we not open in a tavern? I can't be around alcohol without my wife present."

Sessionmaster: "It's just imaginary alcohol, Mike, and your wife isn't a player character in this world."

Pence: "My Paladin archetype replaces the Divine Bond class feature with an Angelic Companion, whom my character has bonded to in holy matrimony. She does not approve of alcohol."

Sessionmaster: "...fine. We begin in a… coffee shop? Is that okay?"

Pence: "It's fine."

Sessionmaster: "Okay, good. Because I DMed for Romney at the 2012 Republican National Convention, and boy those Mormons are weird with not liking caffeine.."

Trump: "Haha. Mormons. That's one letter away from being Morons. Great people, I'm sure. But weird. Unfortunate name. Sad. But funny."

*Trump holds up a hand for a high five and a giggling Steve Bannon high fives him.*

Bannon: "Good one, sir."

Sessionmaster: "Anyway, we open in the coffee shop, introduce your characters."

Pence: "I'm Michael, Human Holy Paladin of the One God…"

Trump: "You always play yourself as a human paladin. It's boring. Not interesting at all, Mike. You even do it all day with that LARPing thing…"

Pence: "What LARPing thing?"

Trump: "You know, that whole going around "God is with me, must do the will of god" thing. I mean you're probably having fun. But it's just weird for all of us. Very weird."

Pence: "I'm not LARPing. This is who I am."

Trump: "Oh."

*Bannon wrinkles his nose and leans over to Trump, whispering in his ear.*

Bannon: "Well, at least he's not wearing elf ears or orc tusks."

Trump: "Ugh. Yes. It's an improvement over Chris Christie. Showed up to every session painted green in a loincloth with a battleaxe. No way I was going to spend my presidency having to deal with that every week. Not fun to look at. Very bad."

Kushner: "I'm playing a Dwarven Rogue and…"

Bannon: "Man, everybody is playing what they know. I'm not surprised you're playing the precious-metal hungry, big-nosed, short…"

Kushner: "And what are you playing? I bet you've got six skill points per level, a d10 hit die, and an animal companion."

Bannon: "I uh… I totally don't.

*Kushner reaches across the table and grabs Bannon's sheet.*

Kushner: "Yup. To the surprise of no one Steve's playing a White Power Ranger."

Sessionmaster: "Guys, if you're going to be disruptive to the game I'll…"

*Everyone is quiet as Vladimir Putin walks in, takes the bowl of cheetos from the middle of the table, and then walks out again.*

Trump: "It's okay. He does that. Totally fine. Everything is good. Very good. Perfectly normal."

Sessionmaster: "So you're all sitting in the coffee shop, when there's a disturbance outside. Roll perception."

*Everybody rolls their dice.*

Kushner: "17."

Bannon: "13."

Pence: "Gosh darnit, 4."

Trump: "49. I have the highest Perception score. Just the best, really. My doctor said that I have the highest Perception score of any US President's character ever."

Sessionmaster: "I… um… can I see your sheet, please? I'm not sure how you managed that at level 7."

*Jeff Sessions reaches over the table to grab Trump's sheet, but Trump pulls it away.*

Trump: "No. No. You can't see my character sheet. The IRS is auditing my character wealth by level. So I can't show it to you. Very personal. Very private. Very hush hush."

Sessionmaster: "Okay, then run down your bonuses for me."

Trump: "I rolled a natural 20 because I have the greatest dice. The best dice, really. They're these gorgeous, expensive solid gold dice. I just saw them in the gaming store one day and I couldn't help but grab them."

Sessionmaster: "So that's 20…"

*Sessions waits for Trump to continue, but Trump has his phone out and appears to be browsing Twitter.*

Sessionmaster: "And the rest of it?"

Trump: "Huh? Are we still talking about that? Fake news. Totally fake."

Sessionmaster: "As the Dungeonmaster General, Donald, I can get you banned from organized play, you realize."

Trump: "Okay, fine. Plus five from Wisdom, because I am obviously the wisest. Plus four from my racial bonuses, plus four from my super awesome ultra masterwork item, and the rest I'm adding in because I need to compensate for all the stat rolls and skill points and items that Crooked Hillary illegally stole and gave to illegal immigrants during those presidential election games."

*Sessions sighs and pinches his nose, this is going to be a long night.*

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Thoughtlets: Seven Deadly Sins as Temptors

From ShifterCat here.

For a while now, I’ve been discussing a frequent problem with anthropomorphic portrayals of the Seven Deadly Sins: six of them will be drawn to elicit disgust… except for Lust, who’ll be a bodacious babe. It’s like, “Yes, straight male audience, here are the parts of yourself you should fear. Plus that one, who is totally the fault of evil wimminz.”

Which: no, guys, you can’t have it both ways. Either portray ALL of them as tempting, or ALL of them as horrible warnings. And if you’re going with the latter, then Lust ought to be a man in a dirty raincoat, lurking outside a schoolyard.

(Credit where it’s due: Edmund Spenser, way back in the sixteenth century, portrayed Lust as a gross dude in The Faerie Queene.)
I was discussing this with Christopher, and he asked, what might the Seven Deadly Sins look like if, instead of simply embodying their sin, they were designed to elicit that sin?

Here are my ideas:

Wrath is primarily a talk-radio host, though he also publishes his rants in book and blog format. He whips his audience into a fury against a host of enemies, some obvious, others ill-defined. On social media, he commands a veritable army of internet trolls. His followers are both sore losers and sore winners: as long as dissenters exist, they cannot consider themselves victorious. And that will never happen, because Wrath is always ready to point out a new enemy.

Gluttony looks like a kindly grandmother. Everything that comes out of her kitchen looks, tastes, and smells absolutely delicious, so it hardly seems like a burden when she chivvies you to eat, even when you’re already full. But she always makes far too much, and throws out all of her leftovers. Meals that could have fed a soup kitchen for a week congeal in a dumpster outside, crawling with maggots.

Avarice is a corporate lobbyist. He convinces the rich that they owe the public nothing, and the poor that they are but temporarily embarrassed millionaires. At his smiling suggestion, laws restricting businesses’ power are jettisoned, or else rendered powerless. He speaks of “the free market” as though it were a wise and benevolent deity, though he has also been known to argue Social Darwinism and Prosperity Gospel without even pausing for breath.

Vanity is a motivational speaker. She tells her audiences that they are all especially gifted and deserve everything they want -- they just have to focus on it really hard. Anyone who tells them that they’re being selfish, or evading other responsibilities, is just dragging them down; anyone to whom bad things happen brought it on themselves by being so negative. Her Facebook page shares a lot of pseudoscience and conspiracy theory, framing believers as smarter than the masses.

Sloth comes off as a good-natured stoner. He’s always happy to share his shabby couch and his coffee-table covered with game controllers, TV remotes, and an endless assortment of substances to drink, smoke, or inject. Schoolwork can wait. Tell your boss you’re sick again. Someone else’ll do the other stuff. Just take it easy. Don’t be a buzzkill.

Envy runs a string of popular magazines. The cover models are Photoshopped into impossible beauty; the ads feature products well out of most readers’ price range. The text portions contain “health plans” that are recipes for failure, celebrity gossip that is by turns fawning and venomous, and advice columns warning against “man-stealers” or “girl-stealers”.

Lust is a pick-up artist. He doesn’t simply advocate promiscuity, but employs an entire dialect encouraging straight men to think of women as objects to be evaluated, used, and discarded. Though his focus is primarily on heterosexual males, he also argues that it’s “naturally masculine” for gay men to treat their partners in a similar fashion.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Thoughtlets: Cult Ketchup Recipe

Recipe: Ketchup Base

Ingredient:
Plum Tomatoes, 10lb can
1 small onion, small dice
Olive Oil, 2 tbsp
Tomato paste, 6 cans
Dark Brown Sugar, 1.5 cups
Cider Vinegar, 2 ½ cups
Salt, 2 tbsp


Directions:
Heat the sauce pan to medium and add the oil. Add the onions and sweat. Add the
tomatoes, tomato paste, brown sugar, cider vinegar and salt. Allow to simmer for 30
minutes. Puree with a beurre mixer until smooth. Strain through a fine china cap, pushing
the mixture through.

a beurre mixer is also know as an immersion blender. you can just dump it all in a regular blender, though

huh. the recipe doesn't specify the san marzanos. i'm surprised, avalon insisted upon them. it affects the flavor hugely.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Atrocity Rose

Ah, beloved, the hour grows late, and you grow weary. Do not deny it, dearest, for my eyes are keen and can see each and every one of your mortal frailties. If it pleases you, I shall tell you of what you ask. But remember there are things that are better off being unknown. There are things out there in the planes. Monstrous things beyond the likes of which the common tongue's vocabulary can describe.

I would share the experience with you, beloved. You know that I can open my mind to yours, to let you browse the width and breadth of all I am like an open book. I can, but I plead with you to not ask this of me. There lies within me a fragment of a greater creature, a mere shadow of a reflection of a mote of her majesty. She has no name, dearest, for where she dwells she is everything. She is the beginning, she is the end, and whatever is not of her is consumed and devoured until it is. Like I was.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

After the War Session 1 Highlights


DM: So you've been hiding in a ruined fort for a week or two, hiding from the Angelic and Draconic forces fighting out on the plain.

VK: Plain as in grasslands or plane as in sliver of another dimension.

DM: Ah, the grasslands.

Danish Orc Sorc (DOS): It could also be an airplane.

DM: I should've been more specific. Curse you english language. You're on the elemental plane of plain planes. There's nothing to eat but airline food.

VK: (Vader NOOOOOOO!)

DOS: That idea was going to go into DnD, but it didn't make it off the runway.

DM: It really crashed and burned. It's actually a grassland, and I'll try to be more specific about that in the future.

VK: You've had a concussion and have been up all night, you're on autopilot.

(The deluge of plane puns continues for a minute)

DM: Anyway, you're all holed up in a fort on the edge of the plain...

VK: Like on the wing? (Shatner) There's.... some... THING... onthewing!



(DOS has snuck past the planned monster encounters with a natural 20, so has Undead in Denial Catgirl, meanwhile VK is not stealthy)

DM: You encounter a nasty frog looking thing, roll Knwoledge to identify!

DOS: rolls awfully

UDC: I have no knowledge skills.

VK: I have all the knowledge skills, but am a massive robot snake who is not in the least biut stealthy! It's like the Gift of the Magi all over again!



(DOS has snuck up to the surface to look at the battlefield, there is a dead corpse the size of a mountain range in golden armor, the plains have flooded, and there's a second moon in the sky.)

DOS: I take a deep breath to smell if the water is slat water, so like if it's from an ocean.

DM: You smell rotting corpses.

DOS: I regret everything.

DM: Roll for Regret.

DOS: What's a Regret roll?

VK: It's like a Will save, but you add your Emoness stat instead of Wisdom.

DOS: Excellent. I'm an evil orcish sorcerer, I have a massive emo stat. rolls

DM: You deeply regreat inhaling.



(DOS returns to the part)

DOS: So uh... guys, how many moons do we have?

Kobold Re-animated Mad Scientist (KREMS): Just the one!

VK: Well, TECHNICALLY we have six moons, as they're considered orbital bodies, but five are not visible to the naked eye and are incredibly miniscule!

DOS: No, you can see this one.

VK: Awww! Our moon made a friend!

DM: It's got a big gash down the middle of it, it looks wartorn and tattered.

VK: Our moon made a LADY friend!

KREMS: Maybe the second moon is affecting the tides and that's why the place is flooding?

VK: COVER YOUR LADYPARTS, IMMODEST HARLOT MOON!