"Ladies and gentlemen, boils and ghouls, inbreds of all stages! Feast your eyes upon the prize; upon a grand and glorious, miraculous marvel to tantalize and titillate even the most snobbish of sourpuss smarks!"
"I bring to you… me! Clauda the Clown, ULW's newest novelty, it's most cutting-edge combatant, it's recentest wrestler! That's totally a word and you will never ever be able to convince me otherwise, ha ha!"
"Yes siree! You all are in for a treat like no other, because I'm nothing like the rest of the roster, oh golly gosh no! See, somebody put out the call umpteen weeks ago looking for interesting peoples! Folks who don't just wander in off the street with a banana hammock, a goofy-ass haircut, a pair of boots, a chip on their shoulder, a tragic backstory, and some serious mental defects."
"Like seriously, y'all motherfuckers need therapy. C-R-A-Z-Y you don't need an alibi, you crazy, ya ya you crazy! And I don't mean crazy like me, which is crazy in an amusing, zany, happy, pleasant, positive way. I mean like sad sacks whose refusal to get treatment makes each and every one of you a total downer to be around. A complete and utter bummer to all the butts in the seats. A party pooper who poops parties presenting proper poop."
"I'm here because ULW wanted people who aren't just random assortments of psychosis and negatively personality traits stuck with steroid-filled needles. See the call went out on the Twitter-gramophone for people who are unique, people who are entertaining, people who are different!"
"They wanted wrestlers who are more than just an assortment of various flavors of dudebros and catfighting cliquish biznitches that think the whole world works like it did for them in high school."
"You know, people who are larger than life. And in a good way, not in a bad way like some of these fat asses we've got around here like Plop and Priest. And the good lord knows you boys have got some FAAAAAT ASSES to go with your big, fat, empty heads!"
"Everyone around here is so down in the dumps, so weepy and frowny and filled with leftover bitter teenaged angst. It's like those overly serious shooty games on the X-Stations and the Playboxes that have everything literally in shades of brown and grey. That's what we've got in pro wrestling these days; serious grey concrete and humorless brown dirt."
"I'm here to lighten up ULW! I'm here to bring smiles to all those faces! I'm here to let the air out of your tires and to deflate all your overinflated senses of self worth and importance. Everybody is all "Grr, serious business! Harumph, harumph, harumph!" and I'm going to put my big clown-shoed foot down and say no siree bob, that's not going to fly anymore."
"We are entertainers, ladies and gentlemen, and I am going to drag each and every one of you kicking and screaming into happy and hilarious fun times even if it kills you! Especially if it kills you in a particularly amusing way. Like whoopsie your intestines just popped out during a match because you got a tummy tuck down and the doctor forget to zip up your belly button. I'm going to tie those suckers up and make a balloon animal."
"*ahem* Excuse me, frog in my throat there. But yes, I fully expect each and every one of my coworkers, or cow-orkers, to absolutely hate this new change. They're sooo wrapped up in being humdrum blobs of bleh that they're not going to see that being happy and fun is sooo much better than being bland and boring!"
"Not that they're totally boring, oh no! I'm sure each and every one of your guys can put on a show out there in the ring with your suplexes and your flying butt-butts and your serious overuse of stomps both double foot and curb."
"Seriously you guys, we need to talk about your addiction to stomps. It's downright disturbing and it's time for an intervention. I can't swing a ULW dead baby around here without hitting somebody that uses one of those moves. No, no more stomps! We're putting them on the top shelf until you all decide who gets to use them and who has to slump off to YouTube to steal a new finisher from Japan."
"But seriously youse guys, your personalities totally need work. Y'all are like totally the pits. It's a complete boredom sandwich up in here. I'm a gender neutral human being who thinks too highly of myself and has some sort of obvious personality defect, quick, who am I? Yup that's right! I'm basically everybody on the roster, however did you guess?"
"But that's okay! You guys can just keep hoarding your little scraps of fame and hissing at one another like territorial kitties, making ULW the house of the craziest cat lady ever to crate a cat! You don't have to be interesting, golly gosh no! I can do that! I can be interesting FOR you!"
"Why, not only am I quirky enough to have quirks to spare, I can do all the hard work in making you peoples seem fun and exciting and different and totally not a bunch of peoples that got dumped in from the poetry slam at the local starbucks! Yes siree bob, I'm going to find something nice and happy and cute and fun about each and every one of you, and I'm going to make you all better and not boring by making a new and interesting persona just for each and every one of you!"
"It'll be my own personalized present to aaaaaaall my cow-orkers, and my gift to all the fans of professional wrestling, who come here to see larger than life superstars, and totally not the asscorks they went to highschool with."
"So we're starting with Roxy Paypascissors, to which I say nuh uh girlfriend, punny names are so nineties. We got rid of Surge, we got rid of those big clunky cell phones, and we totes got rid of aaaaaall the hammer pants. So we're gonna get rid of the punny names."
"Roxy is fine. It's a sweet, kick-ass name for a girl. Or a guy pretending to be a girl. Or a girl who trapped inside the body of a guy. Or a guy with the brain of a girl. Probably in a jar, in the basement. i'm not quite sure, and I didn't bother to check, 'cause you don't really do much around here."
"But I totally understand where you're coming from. The ladies have all the cool, interesting clothes. There are soooo many different ways you can wear a dress, or a gown, or whatever. You can have your midriff bare and keep things interesting with a never ending series of tops and bottoms. Skirts of all sizes! Stockings! Socks! Garters! Pantyhose! So many fashion accessories in so many potential combinations."
"Dudes, you get pants, a shirt, and a coat. That's it. Maybe a vest. And a completely unnecessary flap of cloth tied around your neck for no fathomable reason I can comprehend. Other than like maybe fashion was decided for office buildings way back when, when hemophilia was really common and thus everyone had to have a long, narrow band of cloth handy for use as a tourniquet whenever somebody got themselves a nasty papercut."
"No, my dear girlyboi, you need to be something above and beyond a mere drag queen. But you can't be a dragon queen, because we already have a dragon. Though I'm pretty sure our dragon isn't royalty."
"What we need are nice, happy, pleasant, positive symbols! All the tiny tots need proper role models! Not just snarly, hissy divas, and then there's the women wrestlers on top of that! We need a symbol of dedication, hard work, solid work ethic, and a can do spirit. WITH HEAVY MACHINERY AND A NAILGUN AS A SIGNATURE WEAPON!"
"Yup, that's right, you can be ROXY THE RIVETER! It's a classic call back, and you can take advantage of your manly biceps by doing a little flex muscle thing and saying "We can do it!" Wouldn't that be great?!"
"Because I think it would be great. It would be fun and new and interesting and different and that is why I bet you're so totally not going to do it. Because you're used to being boring. Boring is secure, boring is safe. Boring is stable and steady and really all kinds of not fun. Fun is a forbidden word in ULW and golly gosh, that will just not do!"
"So if YOU'RE not going to be fun, I'm going to have to MAKE you be fun! And do you know what that means? Why yes siree bob, that means I am going to beat the complete and utter peas out of you! If you're not going to take it upon yourself to be an interesting person, then by golly I will make you interesting by doing all sorts of horrible things do you."
"Yes, I know it's not nice and not really setting a good example for the tiny tots, but gosh darn it, if you're not going to be a fun person you really need to be punished for it. But don't worry, I'm not going to beatcha up TOO bad! Juuuust enough to be fun."
"See I'm not just about doing things differently outside of the ring for ULW, trying to make everything fun and exciting and special, but inside of the ring too! I've got all these cool ideas for things that I can do to other people that are just sooo neat! I really wish I could practice them, but gosh darn it, once I bring them up no one wants to help me experiment."
"But don't worry, Roxy, even if you've decided you want to stay the boring ol sad sack that you are now and not embrace being ROXY THE RIVETER, I've got some special things in mind that will make sure that all the wrestling fans will never eeeeever forget you."
"Hee hee hee. It's going to be so memorable. They're going to be talking about what I do to you for years to come."
"Hmm? What's that? What horrible, scary, violent things am I going to inflict upon your un-fun, hum-drum bland little body?"
"Why sweetie, that would be telling and that would definitely spoil the surprise for all those ULW wrestling fans. And above all that's who I want to make happy, each and every one of those ULW fans. I want to see a smile on every single one of their faces."
"I BETTER see a smile on each and every one of your stupid, loathsome, disgusting faces. You WILL smile if you know what's good for you."
"Cough. Ack. The air is so dry this time of year. It makes me want to shuffle up and down some carpet for about fifteen minutes and build myself up a nice static charge before ZAPPO! Because that'd be fun. And goodness knows that ULW needs fun right now! Buckets and buckets of fun!"
"It's a good thing that I'm here to provide them; buckets and buckets of fun."
"And if that fails, buckets of blood. Buckets and buckets and buckets of blood."
"Hee hee hee."
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