The thing that everybody up there seems to focus on is the "fallen" part of fallen angel. Evil, horrible, rebellious angels who fought against the Lord Almighty and for their pride were cast down into the Lake of Fire to suffer for eternity.
It's the angel part you ought to be focusing on. Angels weren't given free will, they weren't given much in the brains department either. You have to remember what they were created for.
Angels were made to serve God and sing his praises. Angels were designed from the ground... er.. cloud up to be ass-kissing hired help.
The one big idea an angel had in all of history was to pitch a hissy fit when God made mankind and decided he liked us more than them.
The most creative thing angels have ever done was to basically throw a snit when Mommy and Daddy paid more attention to their new baby brother and got sent to time out.
Because that's all this is to them, a time out. They're immortal, they've been around for the vast majority of the 13.whatever billion years. Humans have only been kicking around for a titch over 200,000. It's like a teenager being sent to his room for two hours.
So imagine their surprise when Lillith showed up. You might not remember her, they kind of scrubbed her out of the major books. She was Adam's first wife, created from the same dirt and clay, and she was his equal. Well, actually she was his better.
Adam was as dumb as a box of rocks. Remember he was the first man, after all, so God reused a lot of the angel bits he had kicking around. A very pretty man, but none too bright.
He was the prototype, Lillith was the experimental branch. And in his dumb, vapid little way Adam decided one day that he ought to be the boss of them. Lillith laughed him off and Adam went crying to Daddy who couldn't deny his favorite baby boy anything.
Lil went "Bugger all this," got herself an edgy new Angel of Death boyfriend and moved out of the Garden of Eden.
Then there was the bit with the snake and the apple that everybody knows about.
It was about then that all of creation realized that the Big G was kind of a shitty parent. You tell simple, dumb as a sack of concussed puppies Adam and Eve not to do something, they have no idea about right and wrong.
And of course the way they'd have to learn about that is eating the damned fruit they were forbidden from eating in the first place.
Satan basically gets Baby Brother and Sister into trouble, there's a big family fight over the whole matter, and the G-man thinks that because of one little screw up, Mankind is ruined forever and Satan and his followers are sent to time out, while humans are kicked out of the house and made to go work for a living and learn responsibility and to not eat bits of fruit that Daddy has just lying around out in the open.
At this point God locks himself in the attic and starts painting beetles for about 190,000 years.
So it's just shy of 1000 years in when Lillith kicks the bucket. She's not getting into Heaven, because God's still pissed because she wouldn't be Adam's complacent little fuck-toy, so much to the surprise of everyone she turns up in Angelic Punishment Corner.
So as rebellious teens are wont to do, the fallen angels have been getting the metaphysical equivalent of piercings and tattoos to gross out Dad, so they've plucked out their feathers and gotten some badass looking membranous wings put in, decided that hooves and spade-tails are the in thing these days, trying all sorts of the latest horn fashions.
So who comes stumbling into Hell but one of the sources of their punishment. Angels are narcissistic bastards, they were created perfect and can't ever do anything wrong, don'tcha know.
The fallen angels, now calling themselves Devils, decide to teach her a lesson. Only the lesson doesn't really take. See, Lil's been banging the Angel of Death for the better part of a millennium, and ol bony can't get the bone up unless there's a bit of the old Fifty Shades of Grey type action involved.
Actually, that originated down here. We read it to the newbies to break their will.
Anyway it turns out that the first human ever sent to Hell is all kinds of fucked up, so beating the crap out of her just gets her all hot and bothered.
Some of the Devils go "Eww" and lose interest, because bullying is no fun when the victim is enjoying it, and some of them decide that the whole interplay of sex and violence is kind of fun, let's stick with that.
Of course there's only one Lillith to go around, so when some of Adam and Eve's naughtier kids and grandkids start showing up, they take personal S&M toys of their own from the newbies.
Remember that bit I said about angels having just about no creativity whatsoever? Yeah, the Devils found out they kind of sucked at sadism and violence.
The silly bastards never had it cross their minds for a moment to keep the humans away from the body modifications, and humans were more creative at making up new ideas for those, too.
Those terrifying to look upon, melt the eyeballs and drive mortal men mad folks you see around? They looked at those four faced "Do not fear, for I am an angel of the lord!" types and decided they could do one better.
Eventually it got to the point where damned souls started outnumbering fallen angels, and we basically took over.
There's a few Devils still in the whole "torment the mortals" business, but most of them have gotten bored with that and spend most of their time trying to corrupt the world and tempt mortals into sin, mostly so they can go "You don't get this one, Dad, nyah nyah nyah nyah!"
Half of the nasty bits of Hell these days are folks that weren't treated well lashing out at people that can't really defend themselves yet, and thus make acceptable targets.
Like you found out, kid, trying to make it on your own down here is literally Hell. You want to live a normal life, you've got to join a gang, get a job, join one of the sin guilds, or join in Satan's shitty ROTC program because the silly bastard still thinks that he can storm the gates of Heaven and take God's throne.
The other half are the artsy, creative types. Half of them think cramming all the members of a religion that the Big G doesn't like into one big, flaming coffin is some kind of statement on morality and the human condition and what not, and the other half think it's absolutely hilarious to make a suicide into a tree so that they can't harm themselves, and can only speak when someone breaks their branches.
Fucking hipsters.
Anyway, kid, count yourself lucky you showed up next to one of the cities and not in the middle of nowhere. You wouldn't think there'd be cities down here, but they formed out of the same drives and needs as above.
We want law and order, and not to be snatched off the street by some artsy-fartsy fuckhead that thinks the Human Centipede is hilarious and wants to see how it'll work for realsies when your living art supplies can't keel over dead from malnutrition.
Yeah, we get all the new releases down here. Everything that stems from wickedness and sin shows up down here.
I suppose that's the other original idea that the Devils had, and it took them 200 millenia to do so. All that literal legalese and manipulation of laws, rules, and regulations?
Yeah, that requires somebody with basically zero creativity whatsoever.
Corporations are literal hell-sent abominations constructed for the sole purpose of crushing and corrupting the human soul.
...and that's your horns done, kid. Here I am talking your newly pointy ears off while I'm getting the job done.
So what else did you want done today? Mmm, hold on, I think I have the most recent list of the Sin Guild uniforms.
Let's see here, Lust Guild. Pretty simple, just a tail and some wings. Though they really appreciate it if you take some of your own initiative and get some customized work done on your own as well as getting yourself prettied up a bit.
E cups and the Razorclaw 33 model K's? Good choice, those six inch spikes at the end of the phalanges are great for self defense.
Hmm? Two pairs? Of which one now?
Hmm, yeah, the higher ranking angels did have multiple pairs of wings, now that you mention it. Dress for the job you want, not the job you have, I suppose.
If you'd like to try an extra pair or two of knockers I can just run with the base work and you can wear 'em around for a day or two to see how they feel and if you don't like 'em, I can take 'em out.
Yeah, it'll take all of fifteen minutes to lay in the foundation, the real detail work is getting the nipples to work properly and putting in the plumbing for lactation.
No, it's not weird at all. I've been doing this for two thousand years, and let me tell you, the moment somebody finds out that they can get some work done to look however they want they jump a the chance.
Starting out "strange" is perfectly healthy. It's the ones that start off with little tweaks that are the real pains in the ass. Just a nip here, a tuck there, a few inches added or subtracted. They're never satisfied and without fail a few hundred years down the line they're all terrifying and hideous, and still chasing the non-existent perfection that exists in their own minds.
Hahaha, yeah, it's totally their own personal hell.
Now just roll over and I'll get started on your first set of wings.
Good thing you're getting this done today, starting tomorrow I'm going to be absolutely swamped. One of those ultra conservative megachurch televangelist types is scheduled to kick the bucket in the next month or so, folks are loading me up with appointments for gender alterations so that there's miles upon miles of good old fashioned homosexual public displays of affection every step of the way from where he arrives, to when we throw him in the pit where we keep the rest of the Mormons.
Because they creep everybody out. Three words for you, plural wife hydra.
Now don't mind the sounds, that's just your shoulder blades breaking so I have somewhere to put the humerus for your first pair of wings.
So the trouble all started when Joseph Smith showed up...
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