Lightning flashes ominously through the windows of the ruined chapel, thunder rattling the remaining shards of stained glass in their frames. Dozens of large, dribbly candles illuminate the scene of three hooded and cloaked figures standing around the desecrated altar.
The former holiest of holies in the chapel has been adorned with a blue velvet cloth, adorned with gold fringe (making it an admiralty chapel according to the Sovereign Citizen movement), upon which sits a wooden box with wood so dark it's nearly black.
"Sisters of the Darkness," states the tall one. That being me, Kalinda Kriegsdottir. DTW World Champion, Dragoness, and Seducer of the Innocent. "Upon this unholy eve I call upon each of you to report on how you've sought to bring down the cisgender heteronormative patriarchy."
The camera zooms in as I pull back my hood, showing off my true demonic features, gaunt, pale, demonic, and in tribute to a certain horror movie icon wearing a bald cap and adorned with shiny silver thumbtacks.
Okay, it's not my true form, it's special effects makeup. You're ruining the ambiance. Shut the fuck up and let me get back to the scene.
"Claudia, I've heard through the grapevine that our vile and sinister Vagenda of Manocide has branched out into supporting and promoting pedophilia. As the Youth Outreach Minister and Soul-Devouring Succubus and Chief, this falls into your domain. Explain yourself!"
Claudia has taken the Eddie Murphy route to dressing up and has put on a fat suit. She's managed to avoid the special effects chair by putting smoked lenses on her draconic skull mask and having the fat rolls of cenobite Butterball attached to that.
"Huh? What? No! Eww. No. Just… no! I'm indoctrinating children into a cultural norm of sorcery and magic being commonplace and mundane. I'm teaching them dark rituals, foul incantations, and unspeakably dark magics. I am systematically destroying their fundamental religious belief systems and replacing them with our own extolling draconic superiority and promising conversion into dragonspawn thralldom."
"And also that males are mentally weak, magically deficient walking sacks of sperm with legs who are fit only for breeding and discarding, yes? I specifically requested addition of proper Dark Elf hierarchy and setting fundations for caste and culture of superior Elven society." adds Delilah na Kinai, who is laying on the evil and sinister a bit thick.
I'm doing my best not to look directly at her, because she's skipped the special effects makeup chair in favor of her innate illusion magic. She's given her cowl the look of containing nothing but a starry void with orbs of hellfire for eyes, and a slit that opens to reveal the very pits of hell for a mouth.
The bitch also keeps making them into emoticons and smileys when she's looking directly at me and she's not going to be picked up by the camera, trying to get me to break character.
"Psssh! Of course I'm teaching that stuff! Because that's totally a thing that feminism does." Claudia says pleasantly.
"Hmm, so where does the problem lie, I wonder? With Nate Narwin having stumbled upon our secret campaign for world domination, however could such a keen, witty, intelligent male," I stick out about fourteen inches worth of forked tongue, make a goofy face and blow a raspberry. Even I can't take that line seriously. "Be so wrong on such a detail when he has uncovered out entire sinister plot?"
"Oh! I think I know! He was hanging around the locker room with his special surveillance shoes..."
"Surveillance shoes?"
"The ones with mirrors and cameras on them." Claudia says, oblivious, "Anyway, I think he heard me taking on the phone about our various youth movements to turn the children of Planet Earth into xenophiles who will never be satisfied having merely human lovers with things like seductive anthropomorphic characters, hot and steamy sensual dragons like the lady dragon from Shrek and the Night Furies, and of course My Little Pony."
"Ponuts and horse dong for all!" Delilah utters forcefully, slamming a fist into her other hand.
"Wh… where did you even LEARN those words?" I sputter.
"I find community on internet. Was following thread that began with looking at fanart of you. Found picture of Kalinda My Little Pony. Discovery of erotic ponies was inevitable conclusion."
I look upon her, horrified.
"Have you been… clopping?"
Delilah makes a disgusted face. "No! Touching self to images of soulbound companion would be like… like… touching self while thinking of sister!"
"But you DO have sex with your sisters!"
"Is perfectly normal Dark Elf thing to do. Cannot come crawling, or crawl cumming, to lower status peasant of any gender seeking pleasure. Seeking out same caste sisters for mutual satisfaction is perfectly fine. Is super creepy, however, to self-pleasure while thinking of sister, when sister is also at fingertips and just as accessible as said fingertips."
I make an overly dramatic disgusted face. As she said, it's perfectly normal where we come from, but things are a bit different here. I also tend to make absolutely ridiculous faces when I try to look disgusted, and the wench can suffer a taste of her own medicine for looking at me while wearing Le Lenny Face right now.
"But Twidash, there! There were many wingboners and much clopping." Delilah says wiggling her eyebrows.
"You are a repugnant, grotesque harpy."
"You are a dried up blue raisin whose libido has dehydrated and mummified from draconic disuse." she fires back. Oh I've missed having somebody to have proper back and forth banter with.
"ANYWAY!" says a thoroughly skeeved out Claudia, who has somehow managed to be the voice of reason and is attempting to get the line of thought back on track. "I think Narwin misheard me stating that "We need to engage with teen sects," with "Engaging in teen sex." Because obviously being an unenlightened male he has no connection to the fount of true religion, and thus lacks a connection to the Mother Goddess, and as a result cannot comprehend true religion."
"Mmm, so it is merely yet another case of a wretched, inferior man proving his gender's mental inferiority to all of womankind. For men suck at listening."
"Men suck at listening." "Men suck at listening." repeat Delilah and Claudia, repeating an oft spoken tenant of the Feminarchy.
"It is as I suspected. Claudia is merely luring unsuspecting youth into dark basements with popsicles and into white, unmarked panel vans with candy simply for religious purposes."
"Yeah. The Catholic Church and the Jehovah's Witnesses get kind of pissy if you start setting up shop while they're around. They've got the market cornered on indoctrination and kiddie diddling. You have to pick one or the other." Claudia says, and then looks thoughtful for a moment.
"And sometimes the fundamentalist Mormons if the kids are girls. They don't bother with the boys, they just run them out of town."
"As well they should!" states Delilah, "Simply shift balance of power from disgusting old men to prime female, who selects male for breeding and takes own pleasure-wives and you have start of proper society."
"C'mon now, that may work with a species with a majority female birthrate but..."
"Human female birthrate is 51%. SOON IT BEGINS!" Delilah shouts, raising her fists to the heavens.
I think she's enjoying this parody way, way too much. She clears her throat and straightens her robes up.
"The incapability of listening, likely from unsightly clogs of earwax entangled by his own wretched, stringy, greasy, curly hair, from one member aside, each of us has something vile and twisted in store for the Ultraviolence Union." I say with a smile too full of teeth.
"Number 822, Malefic Vampire Matriarch Spying a Meal." Claudia adds.
"Fe-Malefic!"I correct.
"Yeah! Right! That!"
"ANYWAY! In addition to the horrors each of us have individually prepared, to punish the members of the Ultraviolence Union for their misdeeds, the dire sins of Nathan Narwin in particular and his desecration of the DTW Tornado Rules Team Titles have warranted a more… personalized response."
I take the long, narrow black box and turn it to face the camera, opening it to reveal an eighteen inch long, monstrously large, inhumanly shaped dildo. It's a wonderful mix of blue shades, there's even one that's sparkly, and another that's glowy.
"Nathan Narwin seeks sexual intercourse constantly. He is rude, he is crass, he is a racist, sexist, homophobic, bigoted ass of a human being. So it is his ass that we will destroy, sisters." I gesture at the mighty dong.
"Forged in the dark heart of the DTW Death Dojo by a master cocksmith with decades of experience, a Mexican immigrant performing a thankless job..."
"You mean Creepy Ruiz the Janitor?" Claudia butts in.
"...yes Claudia, I mean Creepy Ruiz the Janitor."
"And he has decades of experience with molding rubber cocks, does he?"
"Yes, Claudia. That's one of the reasons why he's called Creepy Ruiz."
She pauses. "Say, wasn't he also around while we were in ULW?"
"Yes, Claudia. That is yet another reason why he is creepy."
"Is he like… following you?"
"Omnipresence is the creepiest thing of all, Claudia. Creepy Ruiz sees everything."
"Even…?"
"Yes, Claudia. Even when you gleefully sing Nickelback tunes in the shower, enjoying them unironically."
"NOOOOOOOOO!" she cries in utmost horror and her innermost, shameful acts being laid bare.
"Nathan Narwin's loathing of all that is blue, draconic, and foreign is made manifest in this splendid phallus. So many beautiful shades of azure, indicative of multiple colors coming together in racial harmony. Crafted into the shape of a great and powerful dragon, which Narwin loathes both for dragons being tied to me and it being a symbol of manhood mightier than his own. Forged lovingly by the hands of a legal Mexican immigrant to both the United States and Japan."
I reverently take the giant rubber dick out of its case and hold it up above my head. I can hear Claudia and Delilah making the Legend of Zelda dun dun dun DAH noise, not quite loud enough for the camera to pick up.
"For daring to desecrate the sacred beauty of an esteemed professional wrestling championship with his own discarded pubic hair, Nathan Narwin will be laid low by the matriarchy, violated, emasculated, and a lot of other words ending in -ated!"
"Incinerated!" adds Claudia.
"Eliminated!" adds Delilah.
I turn to Delilah.
"Delilah na Kinai, as the direct matrilineal descended of Metsuki Tahari, Queen of Smiths, I call upon you to empower this bloodcurdling blue beast of a bologna pony with your sacred elfsong of the forge."
"It would be my honor, O Sister Supreme!" Delilah says, coming forward and bowing.
And then is promptly shoved aside by Claudia who tears off her robe to reveal a shiny plastic white, yellow, and pink cowboy outfit over her fat suit.
She pulls a huge pink plastic cowboy hat and a pink flying V guitar out of hammer space and begins strumming a twangy, catchy tune. Percussion is coming in from somewhere, and it sounds rather like castanets.
Kalinda's got herself a big blue wiener
Made out of latex fresh off the vine
Wouldn't you know the wiener's made by a beaner
It's for Nate Narwin's racist behind
"In with no lube," said the dragon to the maggot
A solid thrust done broke his spine
"This is whatcha get fer callin' people faggots."
Then Narwin up and fuckin' died
Delilah and I just stare at Claudia, horrified, as the dick glows, receiving the enchantments that will render it unbreakable and able to pierce even the most cloth-covered, clenched, iron-muscled backside.
I'm just about in tears from biting my tongue and trying not to laugh.
Because yes indeed, folks, this whole thing was conceived ENTIRELY because Claudia saw Narwin's most recent spewing of bullshit and wrote that fucking song.
That goddess-damned earworm has been going through my head ALL DAY, and now I'm sure it's going to be stuck in yours.
Good.
You deserve it.
But while Claudia's singing and guitar playing has ceased, the rythmatic clicking continues.
Behind the three of us another robed figure looms, this one inspired by the cenobite Chatterbox, only this one is wearing a familiar purple, silver, and red mask and sporting some rather large, white teeth and a distinctive overbite.
"HELLOOOOOO GIRLS! LET'S SEE YOUR MUSCLES!" warbles the evil horror that is Purple AKI Man.
I shriek in terror and leap into Delilah's arms as the scene fades to black.
-o-
My god, you guys, it's like we're doing a speed run of 90's professional wrestling.
We've got the violent hardcore deathmatches down.
And now DTW is headed into it's WWF Faction Warfare phase.
Ultraviolence Union? Considering that they've got two hate-spewing fucktards who delight in stating racist things and one of them has literally no hair making him pretty much a goddamned skinhead, obviously they're the Disciples of the Apocalypse.
Three minority wrestlers, and the only faction of the lot that's actually managed to produce anybody worthwhile? That makes the Menagerie the Nation of Domination. I mean we even have the memorable, kick-ass, iconic theme songs.
Quick, tell me what the DOA's theme sounds like.
Don't poogle that google, you've got to remember this on your own.
Bzzzzzzt! Time's up! You've got no idea what their theme music sounds like.
NoD? If you tell me that the line "We are the Nation… of Domination!" didn't go through your head just now, you're a FUCKING LIAR.
...this makes Badd Breed Los Boricuas, I guess.
So yeah, sorry to say fellas and Tiami, but one of you is going to start having a reaaaaally unfortunate body hair problem developing soon. Because one of you gets to be Miguel Perez Jr.
I guess that makes the Odd Squad the Truth Commission, who did precisely fuck all and damned near no one remembers.
Or if we're being really generous, the Parade of Human Oddities. Kurgan was in both, so we can say that he's represented by Dick Devereaux. Cause the Truth Commission was a kind of offensive, but didn't have actual dudes with nazi tattoos in them. Kind of like Devereaux is bald, violent, and offensive, but isn't actually an active booger-eating edgelord racial shit-stirrer.
I'm horrified that we're going to be coming up to the Vince Russo-inspired matches of the mid to late 90's professional wrestling speed run here.
But thankfully we're only getting onto a train and being thrown off of it. We don't have to open any boxes, pull anything down off of poles, or have to do anything weird with getting in and out of rings and penalty boxes and David Arquette in a triple cage.
And off course much like Kurgan, albeit the one in Highlander, Dick Deveareaux has had his head fall off of his neck. Only in this case he's decided to shove it straight up his ass because he doesn't think I can last for forty-one minutes fighting off the eighteen fresh professional wrestlers that get on the train, and Nate fucking Narwin, because that racist edgy babby's first shoot, brother dude jack, was old and stale by the time the fucker debuted, let alone today.
Sorry, DeeDee, I've fought more, I've gone longer. And unlike a battle royal where you can be thrown over the ropes at any time, the Rail Rumble's only got one minute gaps where people can be thrown out between arrival and departure, until the last stop where the doors will remain open.
I've competed in these things before, you see. I debuted in one. I've got the record for eliminations in an IWC Last Stand Rumble at four. I went for fifty two and a half minutes with twenty four fresh wrestlers coming in one at a time over two minute intervals.
And hey, don't forget that I entered third in Deathmatch Demolition, and STILL LASTED LONGER THAN YOUR BALD, BITTER ASS! You drove into the match in a goddamned Chevy Compensator, ran the fuck over poor beloved crispy mascot-chan Masatake Kawamata, and STILL got eliminated two spots before I did.
Honestly, I like fighting lots of people all fighting for themselves waaaaay more than I like fighting one or two people. Cause y'all get in one another's way, and it also allows me to beat a motherfucker with another motherfucker as the meme says.
The Menagerie has somebody getting on at the first three stops. Sure, Shakur Williams and Teiji, aka Convict Crush and Chainz, are going to work together. But there's a reason the guy at the second stop is called The Psycho Kid and not The Idiot Kid.
All he has to do is stand back and let the girls and I beat the living fuck out of Teiji so we can keep the train car as clean and shit-free as possible, and break Shakur Williams' kneecaps so the son of a bitch can't drag anybody else up any goddamned ladders any time soon.
The Menagerie will even be nice and we can all sit down and have tea and biscuits and play cards until beloved no longer crispy mascot-chan Masatake Kawamata comes in, and then all five of us can merrily stomp the chemotherapy drugs and macerated tendies out of Riddick.
Kawamata's not officially a member of the Menagerie, but I brought his butt back from the dead, so that's gotta count for something.
And it's not like he's going to look at Riddick and go "Oh, hey, you're totally stalking my girlfriend. Let's you and me team up and fight 2 Dragons, 1 Cat."
Fuck no. The only reason he won't be trying to tear Riddick's throat out with his teeth in a blind fury is going to be because the two of them will be on opposite sides of the track.
So stops one through three? Member of the Menagerie. Stops four and five? Friends of the Menagerie.
Both of my girls were eliminated from the IJPW Death Crown Championship Tournament by members of Badd Breed, and Eric Holland's got a fucking obsession with fighting me.
I'm going to fight somebody no matter who wins, so our overarching goal is to make sure that none of the UU edgelords or the Holland Thirst Quenching Brigade comes anywhere close to winning the honor of competing for my DTW World Heavyweight Championship.
'Cause Eric, you know who ELSE was obsessed with beating me? Riddick. You know, everybody's favorite cancer patient who in the past few months willingly stood in a sewer swallowing shit like the world's second ugliest septic tank and just about half cut his own dick off.
Obsession and fixation don't lead you anywhere good. I'm not going to let somebody who has made it the fixture of their life to defeat me and win my title anywhere near the goddamn thing.
Because after you metaphorically ram your head against the goddamned brick wall enough times, you're going to knock something loose in your head and then I'll have another fucking lunatic on my ass.
Hopefully you don't turn into one of those fucking freeman on the land types writing your name in red ink, all caps, weird punctuation, and insisting that you are the man ERIC HYPHEN GENERIC MIDDLE NAME COLON BACKSLASH HOLLAND and not the paper corporate identity of the straw man Eric Holland, who in fact acquires all your debts and match losses, while ERIC COMMA CLOSE PARENTHESIS UNDERSCORE ALL CAPS RED INK FOX ONLY FINAL DESTINATION HOLLAND rightfully holds into perpetuity all title opportunities and by allowing these words into your ears you are entering into contractual joinder to fite me IRL and if you don't you owe me one billion dollars paid in gold bullion.
Obsessed people don't go away when the object of their obsession tells them to fuck off and get lost. Eric Holland winning the Rail Rumble and losing to me at Vile and Wild won't be the end of it.
There will be excuses, there will be rationalizations, there will be swearings of revenge, and because I'm me and I like dropping silly people on their heads, there will be concussions.
A Rail Rumble victory will completely destroy the Eric Holland that we all know and mildly tolerate.
And I can't let that happen.
No one else is going to work together for long on this ride. The UU will throw one another off the first time one of them turns their back. Odd Squad and Badd Breed know they can't work together and they ain't even gonna try. So you take my 75 percents chances… err… yeah, they're just not at all planning to work together from the start.
So we are.
Claudia's more looking forward to the shit we've thought up to do to people during the Rumble waaaay more than she ever would fighting me for the DTW Title.
Delilah's not interested in taking a title from me. Cause it's mine already, which makes it basically just as good as already being hers. Plus she doesn't like the actual title belt itself. It's apparently kind of a creeper and has somehow managed to confuse dark elf catgirls with femmeboi foxes as the fuzzy thing that's DTW 24/7.
After all, that pointy bit down at the bottom is good for inspecting bulges and it does have that kinda face looking thing going for it, complete with eyes to go OwO what's this?
And speaking of dark elf catgirls, let's see what Delilah has to say about this.
-o-
Filled with rage, I am raising fists to the sky and shout with rage "Never again."
Rob Sharpe, Hamster Smuggler, Menudo Member, Tab Addict, and very soon wretched and broken man.
I will be having vengeance for this lowly man without a background who DARED to make my first professional wrestling match a loss.
I am cat, is in my nature to climb high things and knock things off. You do not knock kitty off of high things! Kitty knocks YOU off of high things! Is how it works, you do not violate laws of nature lest you desire nature to violate you.
And there will be much violation taking place!
First three stops all having members of Menagerie. Three malicious, wicked women with hearts as black as night who have dreamed up abominations and horrors to inflict upon foes.
Teiji Shintaro, who unlike many males is knowing of his unworth and that he is fit only to be eating shit, who commits offense of not keeping shitting nice and private, and instead insists on showing shitting and ugly, UGLY body to all who watch. Teiji will be violated!
Shakur Williams, who has committed crime of stealing DTW Tornado Team titles from his betters will be laid out and broken. Will be assured that never again will he be sticking of nose in places where is not belong. Shakur Williams will be violated, trussed up in nice happy bow, and left in front of police station somewhere to answer for stupid-crimes!
Riddick Voldemort, whose face would be much improved by taking belt sander to nose, has committed crime of persisting after much superior, much higher rank, infinitely higher caste female who has told him to be off fucking the daisies instead of making pester. Riddick will be held down by Kalinda, Claudia, Kawamata, and I and sweet Hanako given knife to sacrifice idiot cancer-man to gods. Maybe violation before, maybe violation after is dead, but still there will be violation!
Nathan Narwin, who is what Kalinda is calling "Fuckboi Supreme," not merely aided and abetted in stealing DTW Tornado Team Titles, but also defaced sacred symbols of victory and glory with bottle of glue from dollar store and own disgusting nether-hairs.
Then not merely content with desecration, proceeded to murder dozens of cute, innocent, benevolent creatures! This will not stand! House Kinai and Clan Boltfire will see vengeance for our tiny, carapaced brothers and sisters!
The beasts murdered by Nathan Narwin will be having their revenge upon him! But tide of scorpions is not enough for such wretched little man. All his fears, all his prejudices, all his hatreds and his loathings, they will rise and coalesce into one. And then Nathan Narwin will be violated!
Joseph Stanton, who fought against sweet, childish innocence with bestial savagery will be brought down for having dear, sweet little Claudia eliminated from tournament. Stanton will be violated, with garden hose!
Rob Sharpe, who has dared to violate natural order by shoving cat off of high place to fall, instead of being thing cat shoves off of his place, will also be finding himself violated by natural order for misdeeds! Rob Sharpe will be violated!
Eric Holland will not be violated. Instead will simply have stupid head smashed against walls of subway carriage again and again until realization dawns. Will continue to be hit in head until skull cracks enough to let in unpleasant truths. Mainly truth of obsession resulting in hurt. Mostly hurt from head being hit.
Others will be simply thrown from train and not violated. For have done nothing wrong as of yet, or wrongdoings are currently of unknown to me.
I am royalty, but here I am having no crown. Her Kalinda is having crown, if one considers perverted gold title belt-thing to be crown.
Kalinda is Overlady. Kalinda is mastermind. Kalinda is boss.
You do not get to walk in front door and fight boss. Oh no. You must test strength, test worth against Delilah before you face Kalinda.
If you are not stronger, than you are not worth time of Kalinda. I will throw you out on loathsome spotty backsides. Out of train, out of ring, out of life maybe if head is full of exceptional amount of platypus droppings.
If you are worthy foe maybe I put head on wall as trophy.
Hmm… twenty fighters that I no care for particularly much.
Perhaps need bigger wall.
-o-
Oh my gosh, ya'll, you didn't have to do this on account of me! I mean I already feel at home here in DTW because Goro Yamashi is basically a misgendered circus Fat Lady. But you didn't have to schedule the Rail Rumble just to cheer me up!
I lost my poor, sweet, innocent DTW Eternal Warfare Championship and got eliminated from the IJPW Death Crown Championship Tournament at the same time!
You didn't have to cram me into a small space with 24 other wrestlers, 4 referees, and 40 fans to make me feel like I'm in a clown car! You shouldn't have.
No, really, you shouldn't have. Because this is going to be SO HORRIBLE for SO MANY people.
I mean I know the Japanese wrestling fans are basically insane. But there's a guy who is going to poop on you!
Beloved Mascot-Chan Masatake Kawamata died for Dick Devereaux's sins (primarily compensating for a tiny Scarlett Johansson with an oversized truck) and rose again three hours later, remember!
Oh, and some demon-possessed dude tried to fuck somebody and I kind of had to step in and off them.
People die in these things! It's awful! It's terrible! I mean they deserve it, but you poor DTW fans? You don't deserve to die.
Well, unless you were cheering Joe Stanton or Rob Sharpe when they took my poor, sweet, defenseless Eternal Warfare Championship.
How could you take such a defenseless, pure, innocent little inanimate object and subject her to the horrors watching you drink your liver into oblivion, or the endless horrors of questionable anime or… *shudders* hentai.
An alcoholic is not a person who is fit to be caretaker for a lovely, pure, wonderful little professional wrestling title belt, and I will be doing my utmost to make sure that my baby comes back home with me, where she belongs!
What kind of horrible person would take their impressionable young title belt into a situation where they could end up going home with a racist, a poop-munching madman, or even… the horror… Purple AKI Man.
I have a responsibility, Rob Sharpe, I have a responsibility to raise and rear the DTW Eternal Warfare Championship to be the gosh darn best 24/7 Hardcore Championship she can be! And that means taking her out of the clutches of dedicated drunkards, even if they took her from perverse, hentai-obsessed cosplayers who get lucky and stumble across my weakness for all things William Regal!
His wonderful, perfect hair! That accent! Such villain! Very stretch! Much suplex! Wow!
The way he explains why wrestling moves work the way they do, *sigh* he's so dreamy!
How can a young female minion do anything but swoon upon being struck by a move created and/or perfected by such a wonderful, dastardly man?
But sadly babby might not get to come home with me, as the Menagerie has bigger fish to fry. Pale fish, bald fish, cheaty fish, poo fish, one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.
Somebody who isn't a complete and utter disgrace of a human being needs to compete for the DTW World Championship, and by golly if it means that Delilah, Kalinda, and I, collectively known as the Menagerie, have to beat the peas out of all the other wrestlers and pick somebody from the roster.
If I were Kalinda I'd pick Hanako. Because she's so small and cute. When you're Kalinda's size you could just pick her up and give her all the hugs, and then gently lay down on the ring mat and pin her.
And then of course having defeated her, lay claim to her soul and transform her into an unholy creature of the night!
I mean she's like the only other girl in DTW that's actually a girl.
Because Izzy van Doren is an Izzy, and anybody named Izzy can't be trusted.
And it says right there in her biography and Tiami Erickson is the boyfriend of Erik Holland.
Which is perfectly cool and all, but the rules for Menagerie Minions is that you have to be a proper lady and all. Though Delilah would consider you prime dating material if you had both a fabulous package and a wonderful set of funbags. Since the male bit is involved, but without the look of a male involved there, which apparently in Dark Elf culture somehow makes things better?
I'm not quite sure how sexes and genders and castes and whatsit work.
There's like… bits involved, and also X, Y, and Z chromosomes, and also schools of magic?
There were charts, diagrams, and a whiteboard involved.
AND SPEAKING OF WHITE THINGS!
NATE NARWIN, WE COMIN' FOR YOU, NINJA!
For all the crap you pulled in the Bloodbowl Tournament, you're number one on the Menagerie's hitlist!
If you think being stung in the nads by a bunch of pissy live scorpions is bad, well bucko, we've got worse coming for you!
Soooooo much worse.
You know how Kalinda is a necromancer and whatnot?
Yeah, those animals you killed?
Well, they're my pets now. I feed them the souls of the damned, and buddy, you're about to become the main course!
OM NOM NOM, FUZZBOI! NOM NOM NOM!
-o-
Now it's the three of us in our cult robes and our creepy horror movie looks once again, presenting a united front against our enemies.
Claudia, on my left, puts her fist forward. "Misandry!"
Delilah, on my right, does the same. "Matriarchy!"
I smirk and add my fist to the other two. "Menagerie!"
And then a purple and silver gloved hand comes into the shot.
"Muscles!" states Purple AKI Man as the three of us run off shrieking in terror.
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