Long time no see!
We've settled down in New Zealand at Wayne Gretsky's manor, and we're investigating some new Mascot-related nonsense.
Yeah.
Great Grandpa Giuseppe Gretzky, his collection of fine phallic forms, and… uh… for some hecking reason Ms. France went around the manor licking doorknobs to the point where I heard the maids complaining about it.
She's continued her assault on all things smol and cute, and has branched out from beating Stabby Junior and Princess Shrimp-For-A-Butt with her slipper to throwing rocks at random birds.
I'm not surprised that Ms. France ended up the target of a literal shitstorm from the Bird-Orb's vastly extended family.
And borb-lady turned out, alas, to be associated with Lord Neckbeard and the Army of Dorkness.
We also found out that the Army of Dorkness managed to acquire a corrupt referee of their own!
She also, apparently, wouldn't use her Referee powers on Stabby Junior, who is not only the Mascot of a notorious serial killer, but also has kind of a creepy thing going on where they look like a kid, but aren't a kid, and looks like a girl, but is actually a guy, and is also (ya know) really hecking stab happy and loves dissecting things and putting them back together.
Anyway, it started with investigating the town nearby, finding a creepy warehouse, a bloody murder, and a pile of Army of Dorkness dorks. There's a Master/Ser… uh… Coach/Mascot pair where the Mascot is an Av… er… member of the Justice League.
I was hoping that the Justice Leaguer was like Hawkeye Green Arrow in power level (because we could kick his ass) and not somebody overpowered like Spider-Man Martian Manhunter.
Though before that, I did get a minor surprise.
The proper owner of my body showed up to say hi. In the form of a one-foot-high palette swap of me.
So yeah. I went around looking at camera footage with my magical phone. Oh! I found out my phone was magical!
Remember when I said it was weird that four different phone-making companies made four pretty much identical looking phones with just about identical specs?
And then I looked up the tech documents online and pointed out that if you laid out the circuit boards just right it made a bunch of neat looking shapes, and that the neat looking shapes had off-the-shelf connectors that fit together?
Well… it turns out that that's some kind of fuckery involving "Remnant," wink wink, nudge nudge.
So yeah, I have a literal magic phone now that I made with $200 worth of phones and $10 worth of itty bitty fiddly bits. And most of that $10 was shipping.
Because, ya know, I live in Bumblefuck Nowhere and I'm not going to waste gas driving into town and go around all the hardware stores and peer into all the little boxes with a bunch of little drawers each of which contain a few hundred teeny tiny itty bitty parts.
Well, I suppose I "lived" in Bumblefuck Nowhere, since technically I might be dead and all, what with me having my corpse in storage and also it probably being a bad idea to go home and stuff.
Webmaestro! See if you can get ahold of a moving company or something and get my stuff into a storage unit. I'm not exactly going to be able to come get it, but I'm pretty sure that me not being able to be there in person to do stuff regarding my apartment will result in my eventual eviction.
There was a pretty nasty garlic sauce I tried out from this one pizza place that I totally did not like and accidentally ordered three of (If I'm paying for delivery, darn it, I'm going to get my money's worth and stock up on pizza for the week). Usually I open them all up and dump them into a little tupperware container so I can cover it up and put it in the fridge.
It was a bit thick and I wasn't vibing with the Garlic Parmesan combo, but I keep trying new things in hopes that something will be added to the stupidly short list of things my body considers edible. So I dumped the cups out in the trash. So I've got around what I think is ¾ of a cup worth of garlic butter and powdered cheese vomit sitting in my trash can. So yeah, I've got two very stinky things that are only going to get stinkier as they rot.
Anyway! While I was using my magic phone to track down who might've gotten into a fight with the Army of Dorkness on the cameras (I can just… access them somehow? It's really weird), Princess Shrimp-For-A-Butt gave into her Zerg instincts and started licking the spilled essence off the floor.
Gross.
And I found the borb-lady on the camera, tracked down her borbs, saw some borbs in cute little outfits, and told the cute little borbs in cute little outfits I wanted to talk to their boss.
And voila! Their boss appeared and tapped me on the shoulder.
I don't know why people keep thinking that I'm going to jump scare when they do that.
It happens on a regular basis and I would think that tempting dramatic tension by saying "I want to talk to your boss" and the boss being right behind you and going "Here I am!" would be a pretty obvious thing to have happen.
And it keeps happening, and I'm going to keep disappointing them every time.
So, anyway, we thought the Borb-Lady was on the up and up.
But nope, she's a member of the Army of Dorkness, but something of an unwilling one.
She was kinda dying and got Mascot'd like the rest of us, and she was apparently a Coach herself.
Anyway, Stabby Junior wandered off and somehow managed to find Ms. Meterstick, who like Ms. France is a "hockey" referee. We thought we'd met our first proper Mascot, and not just somebody who had their spirit stuffed into a Mascot suit. But nope.
She's a Dork, and had sent Borb-Lady to track down Spider-Man and His Amazing Friend Martian Manhunter and the Super-Friend. Yes. I know Martian Manhunter wasn't in the Hanna-Barbara classic cartoon, but I'm trying to be sneaky about making it so that the baddies can't just Google my stuff and have it pop up!
And apparently our Evil Referee can body hop, and they've got a few backup Mascot costumes that she can jump into if she manages to kark it.
So it turns out that the Evil Referee was Wayne Gretsky's Mascot back from when she was a Coach and before she'd gotten stuffed into the body of the greatest hickey heroine that she's currently occupying. Which, now that I think about it, is kind of weird. Why is magical mascot Wayne Gretsky a girl?
And there's the whole thing about… uh… well… the metaphor kind of breaks down since I don't think Wayne Gretsky had an evil magical nemesis that also might've been his sister and somehow managed to have a kid with, despite both of them being girls. Maybe we have to use a cross-sport metaphor (like the Pro-Stars!) and invoke that a Washington Wizard did it.
Yes, I know they weren't a thing until 1997, and that to have a fully grown kid during the course of his career means the timeline is off! But I'm not actually referring to Wayne Gretsky!
Anyway!
Ms. Gretsky yanked Ms. Meterstick's hood off when she started being a bit of a butt, slammed her up against the wall, and shock! Horror! Revealed her to be her old Mascot, except with somebody else's soul behind the wheel!
And then she used one of her… uh… what did I call them? Mystical Plays?
Yeah, that's what I called them a few blog posts ago.
Anyway, she used one of those to try and make Ms. Meterstick take herself out of her ass and stop being such a grouchy biscuit.
Except then THE WINGED HUSSARS ARRIVED A WHOLE-ASS SECOND MS. METERSTICK SHOWED THE FUCK UP WHILST RIDING ON THE BACK OF A HORSE!
She'd been apparently looking for Wayne Gretsky pre-Mascot-ing all over the world, but thought that because she'd been kidnapped, she didn't bother to check for her at home. So Wayne's been sitting at home thinking her Mascot died or something, while said Mascot had been thinking that Coach Pre-Wayne was still kidnapped.
So yeah, we've got two Ms. Metersticks and they're apparently the same person but uh… plays a different position?
Okay, I don't know what hockey positions there are aside from referee and goalie, and a referee isn't technically a position.
Mascots are ID'd by their weapons anyway so let's see…
Stick, Long Stick, Magic Stick, Stick that Shoots Smaller Sticks, Zamboni Driver, Sneaky Fucker, and Dude What Sits in the Penalty Box for Unsportsmanlike Conduct.
Ms. Gretsky has a long stick (which may tie into that whole sired a child with another woman thing from mythology), and so do I, and so does The Real Slim Shady Ms. Meterstick. Though the OG version isn't exactly a Referee… so I'm going to have to think up a name for her if she stays around.
But anyway, Wayne's head maid, Dwarf (That's her name! I swear!) has had issues with Long Stickers in the past and um… I can see why.
Let me google something. Okay. Ms Meterstick II gets to be Ron Francis, because she's the one behind Wayne Gretzky in assists.
ANYWAY! She rides in on a horse, looks at Ms. Gretzky's soul, licks her, crams her tongue down her throat, and then stabs the fake Ms. Meterstick.
I think I want to be Ron Francis (the "mascot", not the actual RL hockey player) when I grow up.
So yeah, not much has happened. Princess Shrimp-For-A-Butt continues to spread lesbian pollen all over the place, Ms. France continues to be stupidly violent towards small, cute things, Stabby Junior is stabby, and everybody else is… around, I suppose?
Anyway, we've got a Ms. Meterstick to interrogate.
I know y'all are waiting with bated breath to see if we take her into Great-Grandfather Giuseppe Gretzky's Sex Dungeon, with it's sticky, French-saliva coated doorknobs. So I'll go check where we're dragging her off to in order to not stain the carpet, furniture, or carpeted furniture.
So toodles, chat!
See ye when I see ya,
-Veda
PS! Ms. Meterstick actually gave us a proper term for what we are! "Phantom Souls!"
That sounds like something that'd totally be the title drop of like a TV show, doesn't it?
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