Writing Prompt: The story of someone dying and realizing their religion was not true.

Reverend Bob Roberts strode up happily to the Pearly Gates, marveling at the great golden city built on hills of billowing clouds beyond it.

He walked up to them proudly, and then fell promptly on his derriere rather ashamedly when he smacked face first into them and found they didn't open.

There was a flash of light and Bob found a large, towering figure standing over him, whose inner radiance was so bright that the details of his appearance could not be made out.

WELCOME TO HEAVEN, MY SON! boomed the voice of Almighty God.

"Oh my Lord!" the Reverend cried, quickly shifting from being flat on his duff to a position of kneeling and adoration.

"I've worked for decades to advance your kingdom on earth, my Lord! I built an incredible, beautiful church in your name, I've filled it with thousands upon thousands of devout worshipers, and I used my fortune to help influence politics and keep the ungodly, the wretched baby killers, and the filthy sodomites out of power!"

WELL, AREN'T YOU JUST THE BIG SILLY GOOFBALL, THERE MR. FANCYPANTS. God said with a sassy lisp.

"Huh?" said Bob stupidly, rather confused.

I'M AFRAID, MY SON, THAT YOU SEEM TO HAVE GOTTEN THINGS A WEE BIT WRONG.

"Wrong?" Bob said with a gasp, absolutely horrified, "But I was adhering to your absolute one true word!"

WELL, YES AND NO, MR. FANCYPANTS. YOU ADHERED TO WHAT YOU THOUGHT WAS MY ONE TRUE WORD. THE PROBLEM IS THAT EVERYBODY THINKS THE MY ONE TRUE WORD IS PRECISELY WHAT THEY BELIEVE AT THAT PARTICULAR MOMENT IN TIME AND NO MORE.

"So, I was wrong?"

EVERYBODY'S WRONG, MR. FANCYPANTS. MORE OR LESS. IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER. NOBODY GETS IT PERFECT.

ANYWAY, WE NEED TO GET YOU SITUATED HERE IN THE AFTERLIFE. IF YOU'LL JUST GET OFF YOUR SILLY LITTLE TUSHIE, THERE'S SOME STAIRS OVER HERE...

"Wait, stairs? But the Pearly Gates are right here! Am I not getting into Heaven? Are... are you sending me to Hell?"

WHAT?! NO. DON'T BE SO OVER DRAMATIC. THOUGH THEY WERE TOTALLY OFF ON THAT WHOLE POLYGAMY AND NOT DRINKING COFFEE THING, THE MORMONS ACTUALLY GOT IT JUST ABOUT RIGHT WHEN IT CAME TO HEAVEN.

THIS PARTICULAR BIT PROPER IS WHERE ALL THE SHINING EXAMPLES OF TALENT AND VIRTUE LIVE. PEOPLE THAT I DON'T MIND LIVING NEXT DOOR TO.

THAT'S WHY THERE'S A GATE, MR. FANCYPANTS, IT'S TO KEEP THE NOT QUITE SO VIRTUOUS FOLKS AND PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T LIVED THEIR LIVES TO THE FULLEST.

Bob followed God along the wall in which the Pearly Gates were set, and set into a little hillock of fluffy whiteness was a set of gleaming marble stairs leading downwards.

"But... but I..."

GOING TO BE BLUNT WITH YOU, MR. FANCYPANTS, YOU'RE KIND OF A DICK.

"Why do you keep calling me that?"

SPENDING MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO BUILD THAT GREAT BIG MEGACHURCH I UNDERSTAND. I KIND OF SHORT CHARGED YOU IN THE WHOLE GENTLEMAN'S SAUSAGE DEPARTMENT AND YOU WERE JUST COMPENSATING.

THE PRIVATE JET I CAN UNDERSTAND, YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE A BIG, IMPORTANT MESSENGER OF MY WORD ON EARTH AND NEEDED YOUR OWN AIRPLANE TO GO ZOOMING AROUND TO PREACH THE GOOD NEWS. WHICH USUALLY WASN'T SO GOOD.

THOUGH MOSTLY YOU USED IT TO FLY AROUND AND PLAY GOLF.

BUT HONESTLY, BOB, THERE'S TWO THINGS THAT I FIND REALLY UNPLEASANT ABOUT YOU.

ONE IS THE WHOLE OBSESSION YOU HAVE WITH HATING THE GAYS.

THERE'S A REASON IN ALL OF TIME I'VE BEEN WITH A WOMAN PRECISELY ONCE, AND I THOUGHT IT WAS KIND OF ICKY.

"That doesn't explain the..."

OH YES, SORRY. IT'S YOUR PANTS, BOB. WELL, YOUR WARDROBE, BUT MOSTLY THE PANTS. ALL THOSE TAILORED, EXPENSIVE, NAME BRAND SUITS. THE DESIGNER JEANS YOU WEAR AROUND THE HOUSE WITH YOUR COWBOY BOOTS BECAUSE YOU THINK THEY MAKE YOU LOOK RUGGED.

YOU SPENT MORE ON PANTS IN A YEAR, BOB, THAN A LOT OF PEOPLE ON PLANET EARTH EARN IN A LIFETIME. EXPENSIVE, EXTRAVAGANT FANCY PANTS MOST OF WHICH YOU NEVER WORE OR SIMPLY WORE ONCE.

"...sorry."

OH DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, BOB. EVERYBODY MAKES MISTAKES. YOU'VE GOT A WHOLE ETERNITY AHEAD OF YOU TO LEARN HOW TO BEHAVE LIKE A DECENT HUMAN BEING.

"So wait, if there is no hell, what about Hitler?"

God made a sound rather like sucking wind through His divine teeth.

HITLER WAS A VERY NAUGHTY MAN AND HE HAS BEEN GETTING A STERN TALKING TO POINTING OUT THE ERROR OF HIS WAYS.

I HAVE MY BEST SATAN, LUCIFER, ON THE JOB.

"Your what?"

OH, RIGHT. THAT WHOLE MIDDLE AGES THING WITH THE CHURCH USING WORSHIP OF ME TO HOLD SWAY OVER THEIR VASSALS AND WHATNOT.

SATAN IS A JOB TITLE. THEY'RE ACCUSERS. THEY TELL YOU PRECISELY WHAT YOU'VE DONE WRONG IN MY EYES AND WORK TO REMEDY THAT.

THEY'RE NOT THE BIG, SCARY, BRIGHT RED BAT WINGED GUYS WITH HOOVES, HORNS, PITCHFORKS, AND GOATEES.

WELL, THEY WEREN'T UNTIL HUMANITY WENT AND CONJURED UP THAT IMAGE OF THEM.

I SUSPECT HALF OF THEM ARE DOING IT FOR A LARK.

"Then what about Armageddon? The end of the world? The second coming of Christ and whatnot?"

BOB, JOHN OF PATMOS GOT INTO SOME REALLY FUNNY MUSHROOMS WHEN HE WROTE THAT ONE.

I TRIED THEM ONCE.

THAT WAS WHEN I MADE THE PLATYPUS.

"And you're totally sure about the being okay with the gays thing?"

ME DAMMIT, YES I AM.

MY PLAN FOR THE BIBLE WAS TO USE IT AS A SET OF LESSONS AND STORIES TO HELP GUIDE HUMANITY INTO TREATING EACH OTHER BETTER.

THE WHOLE GARDEN OF EDEN THING? TOTALLY AN ALLEGORY FOR CHOOSING KNOWLEDGE OVER IGNORANCE.

ADAM AND EVE EAT THE FRUIT OF KNOWLEDGE AFTER HAVING BEEN FORBIDDEN TO, BUT AS THEY WERE LACKING IN KNOWLEDGE THEY HAD NO IDEA WHAT THEY WERE DOING WAS WRONG.

THEY ARE MADE TO LEAVE THEIR SHELTERED ENVIRONMENT AND SET OUT INTO THE WORLD WHERE THEY HAVE TO STRUGGLE AND TOIL TO TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE AN ALLEGORY ABOUT TRANSITIONING FROM CHILDHOOD TO ADULTHOOD, BOB.

NOT A LITERAL PAIR OF PEOPLE NAMED ADAM AND EVE THAT I KICKED OUT AND CONDEMNED TO DEATH FOR EATING A PIECE OF FRUIT AFTER BEING COAXED INTO IT BY A TALKING SNAKE.

I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THE WHOLE TALKING SNAKE THING WAS ENOUGH TO MAKE IT A SIGN THAT IT WASN'T SOMETHING THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

"And Sodom and Gomorrah?"

GOOD ME, BOB, WILL YOU JUST LEAVE THE WHOLE FUCKING THING ABOUT THE GAYS ALONE FOR ONE MOMENT?

SERIOUSLY, THE WHOLE IDEA BEHIND SODOM AND GOMORRAH WASN'T THAT THEY WERE EVIL FOR HAVING SEX WITH OTHER MEN, IT WAS THE WHOLE "HEY LOT, THOSE ARE SOME SMOKING HOT VISITORS YOU'VE GOT THERE. THE SODOM WELCOMING COMMITTEE WENT AND TOOK A COLLECTION AND WE BROUGHT THEM A WELCOMING BOUQUET. OF OUR DICKS. TO GO IN THEIR ASSES."

IT'S THE RAPE AS HELLO THING THAT'S THE PROBLEM, BOB. NOT THE GAY SEX.

"...okay."

HOMOSEXUALITY IS MENTIONED IN THE BIBLE A HANDFUL OF TIMES, AND MOST OF THEM ARE THAT DRIED UP OLD STICK IN THE MUD PAUL WHINGED ABOUT THE ROMANS.

THAT MAN JUST HATED SEX, PERIOD. HE HAD THE LIBIDO OF A DESICCATED BALL OF DRYER LINT.

Reverend Roberts just shook his head, completely and utterly baffled.

SERIOUSLY, YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR, MY SON JESUS CHRIST WAS A HOMOSEXUAL.

Bob managed to get his feet tangled up and went tumbling down the stairs. It didn't hurt, but the uncontrollable spinning and bumping was rather unpleasant.

YOU COMPLETELY MISSED THAT? WOW. THE WHOLE HANGING AROUND WITH TWELVE OTHER GUYS THING? THE PALLING AROUND WITH FEMALE PROSTITUTES? KISSING HIS DISCIPLES BEING SUCH A NORMAL AND REGULAR THING THAT NOBODY SUSPECTS ANYTHING IS AMISS WHEN JUDAS COMES UP AND PLANTS A BIG WET ONE ON HIS LIPS?

Bob at least had the good sense to look mildly embarrassed.

I SUPPOSE I ONLY HAVE MYSELF TO BLAME. I SHOULD PROBABLY HAVE SUPERVISED THE WRITING OF THE BIBLE A BIT MORE CLOSELY.

OH WELL, THIS IS THE SORT OF THING THAT HAPPENS WHEN I LET FORMER MORTALS OR ONE OF MY ANGELS TRY AND RUN THE EARTH FOR A LITTLE WHILE SO THEY CAN GET SOME PRACTICE IN WHILE I GO AND DESIGN SOME MORE BEETLES.

I COME BACK AND THEY'VE ACCIDENTALLY SMASHED A METEOR INTO THE PLANET AND WIPED OUT THE DINOSAURS.

OR THEY LEFT THE TAP RUNNING WHILE THEY WENT OUT WITH THEIR NEPHILIM BUDDIES AND HAVING FUN SEDUCING BEAUTIFUL YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN AND FLOOD A GOODLY PORTION OF MESOPOTAMIA.

"So wait, there wasn't a global flood?"

NO, BOB. THERE WAS NOT A GLOBAL FLOOD. DINOSAURS WERE REAL. THE UNIVERSE ISN'T SIX THOUSAND YEARS OLD, EVOLUTION IS A THING, AND I DIDN'T JUST POP THINGS INTO BEING FULLY FORMED AS THEY ARE.

I TRIED THAT EARLY ON BEFORE I HAD A GOOD UNDERSTANDING OF THE INTRICATE SYSTEMS OF BIOLOGY THAT ARE REQUIRED TO HAVE A CREATURE CONTINUE EXISTING WHEN I STOP PAYING ATTENTION TO IT.

WHENEVER I POPPED THINGS INTO BEING FULLY FORMED, THEY TENDED TO POP BACK OUT AGAIN WHEN MY MIND WANDERED.

IT WAS A VERY MESSY TIME.

The stairs came to an end, revealing a rather pleasant looking cityscape. It was still built on clouds and the buildings weren't shining and golden, but they were rather pretty, and with gardens and trees in full bloom everywhere it looked rather heavenly.

WELL, HERE WE ARE, BOB. JUST FIND YOURSELF AN UNOCCUPIED HOUSE OR APARTMENT OR WHATNOT. THEY'RE ALL AS BIG OR AS SMALL ON THE INSIDE AS YOU DESIRE.

THERE'S SOME BOOKS INSIDE ON HOW TO GET STARTED USING YOUR CREATIVE POWERS TO FURNISH THE PLACE, MAKE FOOD AND DRINK, THAT SORT OF THING.

"Wait, what?"

THERE WAS ONE BIT IN GENESIS THAT WASN'T A METAPHOR, BOB.

I MADE MANKIND IN MY IMAGE.

UNLIKE THE ANGELS YOU HAVE THE GIFT OF FREE WILL. HUMANS CAN CREATE ALL KINDS OF THINGS, BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIBLE ALIKE.

I'VE GOT A WHOLE UNIVERSE FILLED WITH BILLIONS OF GALAXIES WITH BILLIONS OF STARS AND BILLIONS OF PLANETS.

LEFT TO MY OWN DEVICES I'D PROBABLY JUST FILL THE LOT WITH BEETLES.

BUT I WANT MY CHILDREN TO GROW AND THRIVE, AND MAKE CHILDREN OF THEIR OWN.

I'M GROOMING EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU TO BE ABLE TO DO WHAT I DO, BOB.

SOME HUMANS HAVE GOTTEN THE HANG OF THINGS ENOUGH WHERE THEY'RE OFF BEING GOD TO THEIR OWN WORLDS.

EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU HAVE ALL OF ETERNITY TO LEARN HOW TO GET IT RIGHT.

Bob was floored. Well, that was different, new, and interesting. It was something to work toward, at least.

SO YOU HAVE A GOOD DAY, BOB. THOUGH UH... I THINK MY SON WILL BE AROUND TO TALK WITH YOU IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS.

"So I'm going to meet Jesus?"

YUP. THOUGH HE'S UH... HE'S NOT QUITE AS PLEASANT AND UNDERSTANDING ABOUT THINGS AS I AM.

LIKELY HE'S GOING TO HAVE THE MONEYCHANGERS IN THE TEMPLE TALK WITH YOU.

HE'S PROBABLY GOING TO BRING HIS WHIP.