ULW's Fuck'd Up Friday, 5/29/15, Kalinda RP 1 of 2

-CD-

You never realize how much you miss something until it's gone, until a thing that has been a part of your life for as long as you can remember vanishes into thin air. Gone in an instant. Sometimes it's a relief, sometimes it's a pain, and sometimes it's something so dire you wonder how you're ever going to get along without it.

So when a constant companion unexpectedly slipped back into my life I was overwhelmed with emotion, relief, joy. I'd lost something that had been alongside me every step of the way since having fled a dark elf insurrection years upon years ago up until I found myself stolen away from my home and dropped into an unfamiliar world.

I could ruminate on my feelings and plumb the depths of emotion (and no doubt my incestuous fascination with an absent mother figure according to Freud) later. For the moment I had business to attend to.

You hear various figures about exactly how much of the human body is made of water, sixty, seventy, eighty, some batshit insane google results somewhere up in the 90's and probably some Steiner match clocking it in at 141 ⅔ percent water. Whatever the truth is, there's enough water there for my innate ties to the element of water to get a pretty good fix on people.

ULW's Fuck'd Up Friday, 5/15/15, Kalinda RP 1 of 1

Some people would say that the ULW is rotting, that it's decaying, that a sickening tumor has metastasized and the prognosis is grim. Me, on the other hand, I just think that ULW is just inching further and further up its own ass week in and week out.

For some reason ULW thinks it's a caterpillar, the ropy coils of intestines of its own anus are its cocoon, and that once it gets all the way up there it will emerge as a pretty, IWC-colored butterfly.

Because not only has ULW decided to court, embrace, and get a mouthful of love trickling down their chin from the two biggest boils on the backside of professional wrestling…

Not only has ULW decided the let non-wrestlers rampage all over its television product…

Not only has ULW decided that having some people defend their title belts every is what the cool kids are doing these days…

But now ULW is getting to the point where I'm worried that it's going to murder the IWC, skin it, and wear the tanned hide around with its penis tucked back singing songs about putting the lotion in the basket.

ULW's Fuck'd Up Friday, 4/24/15, Kalinda RP 2 of 2

Take in a deep breath with me. Draw in a big whiff of the world through your nose, and then let it out slow.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

What do you smell?

Air, right? Just plain ol normal air.

But that's not normal air, that's not healthy air, that's just what you're used to. It's filled with filth, filled with pollution, filled with extraneous CO2 that really shouldn't be there. Maybe you can smell the mold and mildew from cheap drywall. Maybe there's that faint burnt plastic stench that you can never quite clear out of your household appliances. Maybe there's that 10 percent floral, 90 percent nose-rape scent of an air freshener that's twice as strong as it needs to be.

Take a deep breath and you'll smell all the ways that corporations are fucking you. Fucking you right in the nasal passages. That mold and mildew? That wouldn't be there if your house wasn't built by the lowest bidder, using the cheapest materials, with the minimally skilled labor possible, all assembled to the barest of standards and codes.

They didn't pour the concrete right, letting the water seep in through your basement. They didn't put the vapor barrier in the right place, and now the insides of your walls are a greenhouse. They used the wrong kind of insulation, and now the walls of your home are a breeding ground for pestilence.

That plastic stench? That's the scent of the best labor twenty cents a day can buy in some overseas slum, pieced together with parts put together in some third world country. But it's made in the USA, because somebody spends five minutes screwing in the pieces that make up your toaster oven.

And that's all you can afford, the cheapest of electronics in the cheapest of houses. Why? Because corporations want to be free. Free of restrictions. Free of limitations. Free of pesky little things like human rights, of outside oversight, and of government regulation.

ULW's Fuck'd Up Friday, 4/24/15, Kalinda RP 1 of 2

ULW runs sick with corruption, its halls filled with the toxic reek of destructive forces, injecting poisonous personalities into the arena week after week after week. To what end? What purpose can all of this possibly serve? Why is our general manager, overseer, and Windex spokesmodel Raymond der Vaart so keen on courting elements that are bad for business?

I've worked my ass off for this company. As stands I am the only individual on the ULW roster who has competed to their fullest extent on every single show that has made it to the air. Across eight Fuck'd Up Fridays and two Pay Per Views I've wrestled a record 12 matches, more than anybody.

I've never taken a show off.

I've never shown up to the arena in a state so poor that I am not fit to perform, and had my performance suffer as a result.

Not only do I not indulge in the vices of drugs and drink, but my body works so very differently from your typical human being that even if I were given these substances, that they would simply be broken down into harmless components by my metabolism and elemental digestive system.

Members of New Eden have come to the arena physically and mentally devastated, unable to perform their jobs to the fullest extent. They've blown off their duties to the company to help build and promote our shows, and to deliver the best product possibly on TV.

Willow Wilkes, Cassidy Haze, Adam, Serenity. Each and every one of them has failed this company on one occasion or another simply through their arrogance and callous disregard for standards.

ULW's Fucked Up Friday VIII, 4/3/15, Kalinda RP 2 of 2

I hate demons, they're just about the worst thing you can face as an adventurer. Other than the fucking Kender, kleptomaniacal little shits from another dimension, blending in with the native Gnomish population and making off with your shit while being all cutesy and naive and innocent about it.

But seriously, fuck demons. Demons are what you get when you take mortal souls, give 'em on a silver platter to a bunch of pissed off fallen angels, and when said souls develop Stockholm Syndrome. Well, that's how the first demons came about.

These days you're more likely to keel over dead and have your immortal soul snatched up by someone that was in your exact position a few hundred years ago. A vicious cycle of pure and utter evil.

Devils are predictable, devils adhere to rules and regulations, devils will stick to the letter of the law, they weren't made to be free thinkers, they're not creative.

ULW's Fucked Up Friday VIII, 4/3/15, Kalinda RP 1 of 2

For once I'm rather pleased with the way things have gone on a ULW show. My opponent bludgeoned into submission, a member of her entourage badly mauled once again, and justice served in the main event where Jason King triumphed once the odds were evened.

Funny how that works.

From top to bottom the whole show was a catharsis for me. I got to beat the peas out of that obnoxious little thorn in my side, Lenore Price-Mason. I got to suplex her brother-cousin-husband Silas, and I got to absolutely maim a member of her overpopulated entourage.

My one regret is that I didn't get that chance to punt that little kid into the gods damned Jumbotron. that would've made my year.

But no, I'll settle for literally giving Mr. Joshua the spear. On the bright side that guy is going to have an absolute amazing Jesus halloween costume for decades to come. And while he may not be able to have a wank now, and will have to hope for Silas to splurge of some of New Eden's demonic frankenhookers, Ol' Josh'll have a pair of Fleshlights wherever he goes from now on! He can even use his hands as a whistle!

*Twee!*

*Twee!*

Just like that!

ULW's Ascendancy, 3/17/15, Kalinda RP 2 of 2

What's wrong, Lenore? Why are you so quiet all of a sudden? Why aren't you frothing at the mouth and chomping at the bit to get at me, hmm? Why aren't you just bursting at the seams with the desire to verbally butt in to my life, eh?

Because you seem oh so eager to throw yourself at me when my back is turned. That you just adore coming at me when I'm not looking and trying to blindside me.

You're all ready and raring to go, as your mush-mouthed manager would say, a mare all a-lather, and yet here you are. It's been three weeks since FUF VII, where you stuck your nose all up in my business once again.

But you haven't said a word. Not one peep.

ULW's Ascendancy, 3/17/15, Kalinda RP 1 of 2

I've been nice. I've been polite. I've been downright pleasant.

For the last few weeks I figured I'd try to play along with ULW management and behave in the way that they reward. The whole Certified Baddie thing was me taking the complete and utter piss out of the whole thing. I didn't think I'd get anything out of it, it was to serve merely as a vessel to bring out the hypocrisy of one Raymond der Vaart.

If it actually worked and I was showered with rewards and praise and offers for brightly colored merchandise, I think that might actually managed to make me think even less of The Fart than I do now.

But I wasn't expecting what happened the moment he walked out to the ring on FUF 7. He came down, opened his mouth, and once he started speaking I felt something within my soul that I didn't think I would ever feel for such a simple, fragile, mortal man.

Hatred.

ULW's Fucked Up Friday VII, 2/13/15, Kalinda RP 1 of 1

Picture, if you will, the concessions deck of a goodly sized arena. Maybe a bit more specific, let's make it Albany, New York's Times Union Center, the soon to be scene of ULW's seventh outing of Fuck'd Up Friday. If you're having trouble visualizing, they've got a virtual tour thingamabob on their website that can help you with your lacking imagination. If your brain is broke, go give it a whirl.

Go ahead.

I'll pause the narrative, it's not like you're holding up big, important things by having a brain made of discarded anuses. The whole world sits, waiting for you to visualize this scene in perfect detail. Yeah, 7 billion people are waiting on you to get the job done and you're failing them all, you fucker.

Got that image now? Good. Took you long enough.

Now take that long, curving concessions concourse area and pack it wall to wall with Bobs. You know Bobs. Portly fellows with strange dress sense and an odd way of speaking. So you're going to hear the occasional outburst of "Mnoose!" or a sweeping wall to wall utterance of "Mmm, ham!"

This is difficult, I know. Maybe get some ice for the overheated noggin of yours, but you're going to have to imagine that someone, namely me, has awarded a goodly portion of the gathered Bobs official-looking police caps of various sorts and some gold colored plastic badges that are probably going to go brittle and frail and shatter on your like your favorite old Transformers from when you were a kid eventually.

And in the middle of all this flabby carnage is none other than myself, Kalinda Kriegsdottir, set up at a table that I pilfered from somewhere else in the arena. On one side of me my muse, Spark, is set up with a tiny computer that would probably qualify as a rather large phone to someone not the size of a small cat.

Spark is in charge of the list of interviewees past and present. For the most part we've been winnowing down the herd of Bobs down to those who will be effective for general employment, with a handful for specific key positions within our newly created organization.

What organization? I'll get to that in a minute. Hold your horses, you're having enough trouble visualizing the Bob swarm for pity's sake. I don't want your head to explode. Well, maybe I do if you're some kind of stupendously cavernous asshole. Like a Tea Party senator, or one of those doxxing, rape threat sending Men's Rights cock-knockers. Or if you've ever unironically worn a piece of Alexander Fayt merchandise. Because fuck you, you don't need to be in the gene pool any longer.