LiveWireWrestling.com Exclusive!
The Secret Origins of Kalinda Kriegsdottir
Part Two of Several
By Kalinda Kriegsdottir
There really isn't any experience better than a mutual slaughtering of an army of the undead to really bring two people together. Take two random folks off the street from whatever walks of life, give them an armory to raid, and then sick a rampaging horde of cannibalistic corpses on them.
Religion, social class, wealth, politics, sexual orientation. Not going to matter. You give Richard Simmons and Jerry Falwell some motorcycle leathers, shotguns, and a rabid, decaying mass of churchgoers in their Sunday best and somehow they're going to end up pals after having discovered a mutual fondness for being spanked with a cat o nine tails and wearing assless chaps.
You bring together two people who are already close to one another, and you can ignite the relationship into something new. A little spark to ignite the fusion of two souls into a gestalt, a whole greater than the sum of its parts. That happened to me and to my best friend in the whole wide world, Delilah.
If there's one thing you can say about elves, its that depictions of them are inconsistent. Are they tall, are they short, are they mortal, are the spirits, are they magic, are they mundane? But where I come from the three best words to describe an elf are smug, magical, and feminine.
Androgynous is a term thrown around to describe elves in a number of places; ethereal, transcendent beauty beyond the mere constraints of binary gender. Unless you're a Dungeon and Dragons character artist, then they all look like a transitioning Ross Noble three months into his-her hormone replacement therapy.
LiveWireWrestling.com Exclusive!
The Secret Origins of Kalinda Kriegsdottir
Part One of God Knows How Many
By Kalinda Kriegsdottir
I get asked stupid questions all the time on Twitter. Am I a real dragon? How long do I have to sit in the chair to put the blue makeup on? How the heck does the whole prosthetic tail thing work, is there a remote control? Magic isn't real, I am dumb. That's not a question.
And then there are the fedora-wearing diaper babies with no social skills, an entitlement complex, and absolutely zero misogynistic intentions (no he-man woman haters here, nosiree!) that think watching women wrestle is gay and that I shouldn't fight guys. So they can get back to their totes heterosexual watching of oiled up dudes in underpants writhe against one another and swap sweat.
That last one was totally not a question either, @BongPrinceBlazeIt420SmokeWeedE'eryDay.
[We open to the sad sight of Spark, Kalinda's kitten-sized dragon companion, all bandaged up with his diminutive frame covered in a full body cast. Tiny bandages have been wrapped around his head, and he's sporting a black eye.]
[The camera pulls back from the wee little bed to see none other than Dr. Alfredo Acula, Physician of the Supernatural, Attorney at Law looking worriedly over a clipboard. There's a rhythmic beeping as a heart monitor bleeps and bloops the state of normalcy.]
[Dr. Acula pulls a small case out of a pocket on his lab coat, removes a pair of spectacles, only to dramatically remove them and look sad.]
Dr. Alfredo Acula: The prognosis does not look good, I'm afraid. It looks like we're going to have to amputate. The damage is too severe. You'll loose all of your legs and one wing.
[We open to the sight of Kalinda's diminutive mascot/muse Spark. The kitten-sized blue dragon has got himself a palmtop PC set up, which in comparative scale looks like a giant keyboard and a very large TV screen. There's quite a bit of clutter on the table, tools, a few cans of soda, a water bottle or two, varying sorts of tools ranging from hammers and screwdriver to what appears to be a saw and several sculpting implements, and several paint brushes. There's also a half eaten Dagwood style sandwich that looks as if it may topple over at any point in time.]
[Spark nods and addresses the camera pleasantly.]
Spark: So hello all you pro wrestling peoples! I'm Spark, spirit of knowledge and wisdom, and I'm here to teach you about the foundation of magic on the world of Tathion. Which is where Kalinda and I come from. And also the stupid loudmouthed skull. It comes from there too.
So the easy way to do this is to imagine magic is a series of boxes. Well, actually they're more along the lines of gradients, but umm... this is kind of embarrassing to say, but I kind of have problems using a computer. I've never actually had to use a physical interface before. I'm used to just hopping inside in the form of electrical energy and just making things go the way I want.
But the computers and electronics I'm used to are a lot more advanced than the stuff around here. It's far more powerful and far more robust with the components. I've been trying to refine my technique, but thus far every device I've tried to hop in to has exploded spectacularly. And what's worse is that my innate technological knowledge is based on software that not only are you about 150 years too early for, but comes from a parallel world. So even the really really old archived junk I have is different.
I um... I couldn't figure out how to make transparent gradients in Photoshop, or pretty, even boxes. So I kind of made them in Microsoft Excel and took screenshots. They're good enough visual aids, I suppose.
