Monday, January 30, 2017
DTW DeathTube #8, Double Dragon RP 1/1: Of Edgelords and Excrement
A truck, seriously? You can drive a mother fuzzing truck into a wrestling match and have it be considered a legitimate weapon?
After all the trouble I went through to have my clowns construct a nice arsenal of amusingly horrific hardcore weaponry and packaging it up in a nice display, all arranged in a very aesthetically pleasing fashion, some wankwomble drives his Compensationmobile onto the field and not only eliminates me, but outright kills beloved mascot Mitsubishi Kowabunga.
Oh I'm sure someone would say that it was a mercy killing, what with Kawamata being a crispy critter from that flamethrower. But third degree burns don't really hurt. All the bits that are capable of going "Oi, brain! Something's really gone wrong down here!" are as fried as a bucket of the Colonel's finest.
Though honestly the thing I was the most upset about was the fact that somebody ELSE had went and offed somebody on the Deathmatch Demolition football pitch aside from me.
Consider it a look into the crystal ball of America's future. A guy who was just out there trying to make things better for himself and his girl is angrily run down by some tiny-dicked jackwagon in a gas-guzzling, oversized truck that is probably equipped to roll coal on every Prius and Smart Car that has the misfortune to get stuck behind it. Something that American lawmakers are attempting to make a legal reality. Protester in you way? Perfectly legal to run them the fuzz over.
Saturday, January 28, 2017
Thoughtlets: Naga/Lamia Weight
So using the Rule of 9's for body size percentages, and the Standard of Seven Heads for the size of a person in a drawing, and the fact that a snake only holds up 1/5 to 1/6 of its body off the ground, a properly proportioned lamia matching the height and human build dimensions of a given individual will weigh about an additional 18% per head of length. (36% of weight in torso, torso is two heads long)
So a 6'0" 140 pound person with that build translated into snek-person with properly sized tail would be a 36' long lamia, and weigh 1022 pounds.
18% * 5 Lengths * 7 heads = 6.3 times the weight from the added segments, totaling 7.3 times the weight when you add in the original length and mass.
So a 6'0" 140 pound person with that build translated into snek-person with properly sized tail would be a 36' long lamia, and weigh 1022 pounds.
18% * 5 Lengths * 7 heads = 6.3 times the weight from the added segments, totaling 7.3 times the weight when you add in the original length and mass.
Friday, January 27, 2017
Thoughtlets: Know Your Rolls
Don't wanna misplace the Slacktivist recipes:
Ingredients
2 cups warm milk
2 tablespoons instant dry yeast
¼ cup white granulated sugar
2 teaspoons salt
6 tablespoons salted butter, softened
2 large eggs
6 cups all-purpose flour
1 tablespoon melted butter
Instructions
1. In the bowl of a
2. stand mixer, combine warm milk, yeast, sugar, salt, butter, and eggs.
3. Add in 5½ cups of flour. Using a dough hook, turn the mixer on to a low speed. Once the flour starts to incorporate into the dough, increase the speed to a medium range. Slowly add the remaining ½ cup of flour until the dough pulls away from the sides of the bowl. The dough mixture should be slightly sticky and soft.
4. Transfer the dough to a lightly greased mixing bowl. Cover with a towel and let rise 90 minutes.
5. Lightly grease a baking sheet. Punch down the dough and form into 24 rolls. Place on the greased baking sheet in six rows of four.
6. Cover and let rise 1 hour.
7. Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Bake the rolls for 12 to 14 minutes, until lightly browned.
8. Remove rolls from oven and brush with melted butter.
9. Serve the rolls warm, or to cool, let rest on the pan for 15 minutes before transferring to a wire cooling rack. Once cooled completely, store in a plastic bag.
Lazy Chocolate Chip Cookie Bars
1 stick of butter
2 eggs
1 yellow cake mix
1 bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips
How to make it
1. Melt butter in bowl
2. Whisk together with eggs
3. Stir in cake mix
4. Mix in chocolate chips
5. Press into greased pan
6. Bake at 350– 9×13 for 20 min, smaller pans 25-28 min.
Cracker Barrel Biscuits
2 ¼ cups of Bisquick.
⅔ cup of buttermilk.
1 tsp of sugar.
1 tbsp of melted butter.
Melted butter for brushing.
In a bowl, mix together the Bisquick, buttermilk and sugar and add in the melted butter. Stir to get a soft dough.
On a floured work surface, knead the dough 20 times.
Roll the dough ½ thick and cut out into 2’ rounds.
In an ungreased baking sheet, place the rounds close together and brush the tops with melted butter.
In a preheated oven to 450°, bake for 8 to 10 minutes.
Once ready, brush the tops with melted butter again while still hot.
Ingredients
2 cups warm milk
2 tablespoons instant dry yeast
¼ cup white granulated sugar
2 teaspoons salt
6 tablespoons salted butter, softened
2 large eggs
6 cups all-purpose flour
1 tablespoon melted butter
Instructions
1. In the bowl of a
2. stand mixer, combine warm milk, yeast, sugar, salt, butter, and eggs.
3. Add in 5½ cups of flour. Using a dough hook, turn the mixer on to a low speed. Once the flour starts to incorporate into the dough, increase the speed to a medium range. Slowly add the remaining ½ cup of flour until the dough pulls away from the sides of the bowl. The dough mixture should be slightly sticky and soft.
4. Transfer the dough to a lightly greased mixing bowl. Cover with a towel and let rise 90 minutes.
5. Lightly grease a baking sheet. Punch down the dough and form into 24 rolls. Place on the greased baking sheet in six rows of four.
6. Cover and let rise 1 hour.
7. Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Bake the rolls for 12 to 14 minutes, until lightly browned.
8. Remove rolls from oven and brush with melted butter.
9. Serve the rolls warm, or to cool, let rest on the pan for 15 minutes before transferring to a wire cooling rack. Once cooled completely, store in a plastic bag.
Lazy Chocolate Chip Cookie Bars
1 stick of butter
2 eggs
1 yellow cake mix
1 bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips
How to make it
1. Melt butter in bowl
2. Whisk together with eggs
3. Stir in cake mix
4. Mix in chocolate chips
5. Press into greased pan
6. Bake at 350– 9×13 for 20 min, smaller pans 25-28 min.
Cracker Barrel Biscuits
2 ¼ cups of Bisquick.
⅔ cup of buttermilk.
1 tsp of sugar.
1 tbsp of melted butter.
Melted butter for brushing.
In a bowl, mix together the Bisquick, buttermilk and sugar and add in the melted butter. Stir to get a soft dough.
On a floured work surface, knead the dough 20 times.
Roll the dough ½ thick and cut out into 2’ rounds.
In an ungreased baking sheet, place the rounds close together and brush the tops with melted butter.
In a preheated oven to 450°, bake for 8 to 10 minutes.
Once ready, brush the tops with melted butter again while still hot.
Sunday, January 15, 2017
DTW DeathTube #7, Double Dragon RP 1/1: World's Shittiest Zodiac
Just another normal Saturday afternoon in the Kriegsdottir household. Dragon Kitty chewing on a car tire, Spark playing Overwatch with some contraption he's rigged up from a phone keyboard, a dish rack, the guts of a computer mouse, and a super ball, and of course Claudia wearing my DTW World Championship Title around the place.
I'd held the thing for seven weeks now, and I still had to bite my tongue to keep from calling it a World Heavyweight Championship. Because that was what ALL the wrestling companies called their biggest and baddest, most prestigious belt. Even if it wasn't quite accurate and anybody could compete for the thing. Even if your roster consisted primarily of a bunch of scrawny, bitchy ex-models trying to out-emo one another with their tragic backstories and ongoing series of miseries.
I growled to myself and banished the thought from my head. If I started thinking about that horrible place I'd spend the entire evening bitching about teleporting masked sex dungeon enthusiasts, meat curtains, bimbo factories, and conniving quasi-managers who had figured out that by acting entirely through subordinates they got to wield power, influence wrestling, and be the focus of every single wrestling show but only have to step into the ring twice a year, thus easily avoiding all consequences for their actions.
That was one of the things I liked about DTW. The boss man loved violence, so there would be no endless series of matches where I fought someone's flunkies as a professional wrestler did everything in their power to not have a professional wrestling match. There would be no six month spans of endless run ins and hiding behind bodyguards.
Oh no. In DTW I could just grab a flunky or a bodyguard and use them to beat the offending cuntmonkey into a gooey red paste. And not only would I not be punished for such a thing, I would likely receive a congratulatory letter detailing just how hilarious Goro Yamashi had found the funny noises my victims had made while screaming for their lawyers.
I'd held the thing for seven weeks now, and I still had to bite my tongue to keep from calling it a World Heavyweight Championship. Because that was what ALL the wrestling companies called their biggest and baddest, most prestigious belt. Even if it wasn't quite accurate and anybody could compete for the thing. Even if your roster consisted primarily of a bunch of scrawny, bitchy ex-models trying to out-emo one another with their tragic backstories and ongoing series of miseries.
I growled to myself and banished the thought from my head. If I started thinking about that horrible place I'd spend the entire evening bitching about teleporting masked sex dungeon enthusiasts, meat curtains, bimbo factories, and conniving quasi-managers who had figured out that by acting entirely through subordinates they got to wield power, influence wrestling, and be the focus of every single wrestling show but only have to step into the ring twice a year, thus easily avoiding all consequences for their actions.
That was one of the things I liked about DTW. The boss man loved violence, so there would be no endless series of matches where I fought someone's flunkies as a professional wrestler did everything in their power to not have a professional wrestling match. There would be no six month spans of endless run ins and hiding behind bodyguards.
Oh no. In DTW I could just grab a flunky or a bodyguard and use them to beat the offending cuntmonkey into a gooey red paste. And not only would I not be punished for such a thing, I would likely receive a congratulatory letter detailing just how hilarious Goro Yamashi had found the funny noises my victims had made while screaming for their lawyers.
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