DTW Tokyo Gore Noir #3,Kalinda RP 1/1: Of Grims and Games

So there I was; seated at the kiddie table in the middle of Castle Exterra, resplendent in my full on bone armor and having temporarily cursed myself with with what was probably a good four decades or so of extra age so that I had my full-on dragon thing going.

Because to be perfectly honest people don't take you seriously as a dragon until you've got proper horns and wings, and they will persist with this delusion until you use your magic fire breath and set their gonads ablaze.

But after having Maleficent duty pinned on me by bitch queen faerie numero uno Rosie the Rapist I had to do my best to look the part. If I was going to have to suffer through this, so was everybody else.

Well, everybody above the age of majority. I may be a trolling asshole that just so happens to be an unwilling agent of the God of Evil Overlords, but I'm not going to cement myself as the sort of mustache-twirling, puppy-kicking Saturday morning cartoon villain that get their jollies by being a dick to children.

So after earning the scorn of the King with a very farty ketchup bottle I had managed to win a small battle in the war of hearts and minds by animating the roast pigeons, having them take up forks and knives as weapons, and work together to bring down the titanic spit-roasted boar.

DTW Tokyo Gore Noir #2,Kalinda RP 1/1: Of Maleficent and Mountains

Y'all are a bunch of uncultured fuckwombles, seriously.

I mean just look at what little miss "I only wrestle on rare occasions, but can interfere in my fuckpets' matches all I want and can run my filthy whore mouth about them and can cry foul when a professional wrestler actually lays their hands on me" said not too long ago.

It's like you people are incapable of forming your own ideas, of having your own hobbies, of going out to see a movie that isn't a bajillion dollar blockbuster, of watching anything but the most recent popular television show.

Because fuck me in my blue, scaly cloaca, do you people do precisely fuck-all creatively when it comes time to insult somebody with draconic heritage.

Of course out come the reptilian slurs, which are stupid. Because I'm neither splay-legged nor cold-blooded.

Then come pretty much the only three works involving dragons that you guys managed to have hammered into your skulls in between sessions of drinking french fry grease and inbreeding.

UWA Outbreak #9, Kalinda RP 1/1: Babysitting Two Kinds of Self-Absorbed, Destructive, Misbehaving Children

July had been a busy (and fruitful) month for my little side career of draining the essence of things that go bump in the night in the hopes of getting enough magic juice to fire up a nice, stable portal between dimensions and cart my big blue butt back where it belonged.

I'd managed to put an end to a pesky regiment of British undead whose spectral forms would possess buried bones and claw their way to the surface every July 4th, feebly attempting to bring the disobedient colonies to heel some 240 years too late. The damned things could be put down and banished, but they came back each and every year.

We'd have to see next year if the bald general and his cohort would return from the grave once again.

It was actually a pretty good haul, magic wise. A good 700 Mals. Maybe a 10th or a 20th (if I wanted to play it safe) of what I'd need to be able to comfortable poke a hole between two realities without too many unpleasant side effects.

Like grotesque, tentacle-y abominations popping in to visit from the Far Realms. A place of infinite horrors that even the slightest glimpse of it would drive men mad. Hideous, malformed creatures whose forms made no sense to the rational mind, filled with strange moralities, plots, and theologies that made no sense to a rational mind.

So of course there was one of the fucking things at the Republican National Convention. I was sort of equal parts pissed off and ecstatic. Pissed off because after maybe a minute or two of talking to basically anybody I felt like I was about to have a brain aneurysm and have blood start leaking from my eyes, nose, and ears at any moment.