Al Todd-Meriwether: WELL, MY BOY, I HAVE TO SAY IT HAS MOST DEFINITELY BEEN AN HONOR TO WORK WITH YOU. THIS HAS INDEED BEEN ONE OF THE MOST INTERESTING AND UNIQUE ROLES THAT I HAVE HAD TO PORTRAY DURING MY STORIED CAREER OF MANY DECADES AS AN ACTOR!
[Mr. Hush nods, extending a hand for his soon-to-no-longer-be-need voice actor to shake.]
Al Todd-Meriwether: WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT SO MANY MONTHS AGO, ENTERING WITH A BANG, AND LEAVING WITH LITTLE MORE THAN A WHIMPER.
[Then again Al's whimpers are of parallel volume to most people's bangs.]
Al Todd-Meriwether: SO HERE WE ARE WITH ONE LAST SOLILOQUY BEFORE WE STRIDE OFF INTO THE NIGHT AND I AM MADE TO TAKE OFF THE MASK OF MR. HUSH FOR THE LAST TIME.
[We turn to Mr. Hush, who has produced the diminutive handpuppet of none other than Mr. Sock Puppet Stick-Poked-in-His-Tushie Ba'al in order to more effectively communicate.]
Mr. Sock Puppet SPIT Ba'al: Game over, man! Game over! My sustained campaign of clownery, bufoonishness, mockery, and parody have failed to win over the hearts of my fellow IWC members like I had so hoped. In a few short hours Mr. Hush will set foot in the IWC arena for the last time, and in doing so forever ruin the epicness that could have been had by remaining curled like a pillbug in a legendary multihour long iron-man match with Mr. Ridiculous.
But that is, of course, no reason to worry. Because the fans will be getting the confrontation that they have been dreaming about since day one, when some scruffy looking dude with a scruffy looking cat named Scruffy decided to totally cop my move list and run off cackling with malevolent glee, that this would take him to the big time.
Al Todd-Meriwether: AND HE HAS BEEN SADLY MISTAKEN, AS IT'S MERELY GOTTEN HIM TO A POSITION AS A LACKEY TO A MAN OF MINOR POWER AND INFLUENCE IN LEVITICUS.
Mr. Sock Puppet SPIT Ba'al: Not that there's anything wrong with being a lackey, dear sir! As you very well know, being in the role of my lackey, and I in turn who have served as a minion to the red oni blue oni forces of Kalinda Kriegsdottir and Leeland Gaunt.
Al Todd-Meriwether: I AM CONTENT TO BE A SECOND BANANA. I DON'T HAVE TO PLAY A KING ALL THE TIME. THOUGH NOW I WANT TO BE A KING AND DEMAND BANANAS. NOT MERELY SECOND BANANAS, THIRD, FORTH, SEVENTY-EIGHTH BANANAS!
Mr. Sock Puppet SPIT Ba'al: Gotta watch out for the potassium, that might be a killer.
Al Todd-Meriwether: I DO NOT INTEND TO EAT THEM ALL AT ONE TIME, MY BOY. PERHAPS I WILL ALLOW THEM TO BLACKEN, LIKE THE HEART OF A CHASE, AND BAKE MUFFINS FROM THEIR WITHERED HUSKS!
Mr. Sock Puppet SPIT Ba'al: And it is with these muffins that we will carry out the final food-themed assault on the personage of Levi Jeans Tiberius Wallace Beatrix Potter Poopsmith Wilhelm McGee Ticus the Third.
We're loading them full of nut meal, using the thickest grade cream, making these banana flavored concoctions as thick and heavy as possible.
Al Todd-Meriwether: YOU WILL BE ABLE TO USE OUR MUFFINS AS CANNONBALLS.
Mr. Sock Puppet SPIT Ba'al: You've heard of grapeshot? This will be bananashot! And I for one will be flinging them with intent to maim and insure that there will be no Levi Jeans Tiberius Wallace Beatrix Potter Poopsmith Wilhelm McGee Ticus the Fourth!
Yes, ladies and gents, I will be seeking to sterilize the personage of Leviticus with my whole grain artillery! And so help me if Fitzgerald gets in the way, he too shall suffer! In my quest to smash dick with my muffins, I may end up very well smashing Dick with my muffins.
Al Todd-Meriwether: IT WILL BE OUR FINAL GIFT TO THE IWC AS A WHOLE: MAKING SURE THAT FOR FUTURE GENERATIONS THEY WILL NEVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH SUCH A PATENTLY OBNOXIOUS GENOME.
Mr. Sock Puppet SPIT Ba'al: Now I am going to assure my loyal and massive fanbase that despite the inclusion of baked goods warfare, that this match will include all the backside-focusing offense that you have come to know and love.
But I'm terrified of one competitor and his tiny, fat little hands.
Al Todd-Meriwether: STUMPY RODRIGEUZ'S MEATY, NOVELTY SAUSAGE SIZED FINGERS ARE A HORROR THAT FRIGHTENS CHILDREN MORE THAN A STEPHAN MOFFET AUTHORED EPISODE OF DOCTOR WHO!
Mr. Sock Puppet SPIT Ba'al: Don't say that! You'll give him ideas! The next terrifying thing, after stone statues, wi-fi, and nothing are going to be detached little midget fingers slithering across the ground like bloated inch worms.
Al Todd-Meriwether: PERHAPS MORE LIKE THREE QUARTER INCH WORMS.
Mr. Sock Puppet SPIT Ba'al: I'll punch Mr. Ridiculous' ass off until he repents for taking like half of my distinctive, signature, patently ridiculous offensive moves. I will muffin Leviticus in the dick until he can't even thing about dry humping that jelly-stained thing he says is the Alana Starr's Anal Virginity Memorial Championship. But I'll uh... I'll leave the midget wrangling to the blue thing or the ponce.
Al Todd-Meriwether: DRAGONS AND MIDGETS HAVE A LONG STORIED HISTORY DATING BACK TO JRR TOLKEIN.
Mr. Sock Puppet SPIT Ba'al: And speaking of whiny babies, Tolkien was adamant that his fanbase couldn't possibly understand the scope, the magnitude, and the majesty of his esteemed body of work.
Al Todd-Meriwether: WELL HE DID GO AND MAKE UP AN ENTIRE WORLD SO HE COULD FAFF ABOUT WITH THE LANGUAGES HE INVENTED.
Mr. Sock Puppet SPIT Ba'al: If Tolkien were alive today, he'd be a Trekkie ranting at people in Klingon with one those ridiculous rubber foreheads.
Al Todd-Meriwether: AS THE GREAT BARD VOLTAIRE ONCE SAID, PARAPHRASED FOR A LYRICAL VERSE THAT OUR AUDIENCE MAY UNDERSTAND...
[And a pile of Loons on a set of bleachers with wheels drive across the background, playing Jim Johnston's "Written in my Face" entry theme of the Celtic Warrior, Shamus, with the front adorned with a rather unflattering banner.]
Mr. Sock Puppet SPIT Ba'al & Al Todd-Meriwether: *singing* IT'S A SHAMEFUL THING, LOBSTER HEAD, A CARELESS MAN COULD WIND UP DEAD! TOO MANY PIES! TOO MANY PIES!
[And then a man in a big foam puppet Leviticus costume walks by, dragging a cart and cackling gleefully. The cart is of course loaded with various pies.]
Al Todd-Meriwether: WHEN NOBODY WAS LOOKING LEVI TUCHAS TOOK FORTY PIES.
Mr. Sock Puppet SPIT Ba'al: That is as many as four tens.
And that's terrible.
Al Todd-Meriwether: DEAR SIR, I DO NOT THINK THAT IF WE SPOKE FOR ANOTHER THREE HOURS WE WOULD BE ABLE TO TOP THAT LINE.
Mr. Sock Puppet SPIT Ba'al: And it's going to be all of thirty minutes before the fanbase starts to drown in hour-long epics that absolutely positively had to be posted in one giant, tremendous, turd-log like piece and could not be broken down into manageable chunks and posted over the two week span.
Al Todd-Meriwether: SIR, I AM GOING TO MISS YOUR NEVER ENDING QUIPS REGARDING THE PROMO SUBMISSION GUIDELINES.
Mr. Sock Puppet SPIT Ba'al: And I am going to miss the near-unceasing ring in my ears from your tremendous set of pipes.
[The pair embrace in a rather manly, backslapping hug and go their separate ways. And just as we're about to fade to black, none other than SPIDER, dressed in the guise of undead lawyer, R. Joseph Zombie III comes running into the scene.]
SPIDER: FUCK! DID I MISS THE CHORUS WAGON!? I don't get to sing, you fuckers never let me sing!
SKEEDLE-EEDLE DIDDLEY-DOO-BOP WOOOOOOOAH YEAAAAAAAAAAAH!
[SPIDER then begins to belt out a wicked mouth guitar solo with accompanying air guitar motions as we face to black.]
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